chest pain/red dots/strechmarkrashes/allergist

i felt "funny" today. that wiped out feeling for a bit. but i was able to move the living room around, make dinner, sweep, among other stuff. at dinner time my chest was hurting but only around my esophagus and my heart area so mike said it must have been some muscle or something (not my heart). i feel that chip in my throat still. i heard that meant acid reflux not really a chip. i still havent had my period. i go tot he allergist tommorrow and i'm asking for mold testing, and food and other allergy testing. as much as i can get. they did test last time for immune disfunctions (like last year) and i was all good in that area. friday is my LLMD apointment. i'm having nasal dishcarge and head pressure slightly. also i'm seeing more freckle sized red dots in places like my back arms torso and legs. not nearly as many as that one time i broke out. and i'm finding those "Strech mark" rashes around. last week i had 3 on my butt. this week i had 3 small ones on my hip. and now i have on on my stomach.

feeling content

I've had two good days. I'm happy at peace and I'm trying hard not to push myself or get down on myself. I'm feeling content and i have little pain and weakness. i mean I'm not feeling like today i could work or anything without killing myself but I'm feeling like I'm getting there. I'm hoping its not a fluke.

I'm trying to eat better. i really pushed myself on Sunday though when i made one too many commitments (meaning 2 commitments haha) and told myself that i should follow through with them anyways because that way I'll learn to not do that again. i got a migraine that night and felt dehydrated so i drank a glass of water.

i find myself trying to find ways to entertain myself. I'm usually a doer and now i cant do stuff only because of my "SUMMER OFF" thing. i know i need purpose. this summer will definitely stretch me in that way because I need to stick to doing nothing really except relax and have a vacation and get better.

i need to praise God for my health lately. i prayed for him to make me better and told him i would praise him for it every day if he did but I'm still hesitant. that comes with the territory (meaning ME lol).

I'm thinking of doing Communication Disorders program at school so I'm going to a meeting on thursday about it. My husband and I are getting along better now, my sister is still a little upset at me but my mom is not at all (she is always extreme like that though.)

PS: I havent had my period for almost 2 months now. I should know the results of my labs this week (if i call) or at least by my follow up in a couple weeks.

wow today was great. i slept in though which is good. i was able to walk ALOT today and even do a few turns (cuz i like to dance in random places like the bus stop :-)

i'm tired tonight and i think i'm gonna be able to sleep well. i feel like i did before when i worked and i was having a hard time because i was working and going to school and not feeling well at the same time. so thats good. its much improvement.

i think that god might be healing me.

i get this feeling when i take a shower like the blood is pooling in my feet and hands and they hurt alot and feel like i need to shake them and massage them and lift them up instead of standing on them (or in my hands case keeping them down).

another thing i've been still spotting those red dots in random places. my right shoulder has a bigger one (still very small but i was able to take a picture of it before my camera died on me).

along with the feet pain i feel i see like spider veins all in my feet and calves. at first it was just in my right foot and now its in my left foot. so i'm going to bring that up to the doc next friday when i go.

i spent a long time in Michaels' today looking for scrapbooking stuff for my wedding album. i found some cool paper. i got some good ideas. i'm going to take it like one page at a time and i have an idea of what i'm gonna do with the whole thing as well.

i havent done any knitting lately though. but i will in time. i think that scrapbooking is a little funner and slightly more challenging and if i have the energy for it i like to do that instead.

TAKE THE SUMMER OFF!!! is my motto

AT LEAST i'm happy

I cant sleep tonight because of all the things going through my head

anticipation of scrapbooking
maybing talking with my mom again
wanting to dance
wanting to work
wanting to be something more
the apointment tomorrow about my dog with the housing office...eek
the fact that i will probably miss the apointment because if i wake up still tired the rest of the day is shot for me.

i have to tell myself to at least take the summer OFF!!!!!!!!! doing NOTHING!!! i can't take that chance of pushing myself and then i just end up in the roller coaster again. But i dream of what i could do with the money.....basically all related to my health and enjoyment (cuz if i can enjoy somethings then that will improve my health).

Today i made an apointment with the allergist (again) but this time i asked for more than just the regular allergy test. I asked if they tested for food allergies and molds and stuff and that I wanted those as well. So i'm defintely having more confidence.

My tack board is now filled. I dont know if i can fill it any more than it is. The thing is I will notice things much better if they are up there rather than in a pile somewhere. it has actually done me good so far! I look at it a couple times a day just cuz i do that sort of thing. I have a few encouraging things up there as well. so it works out.

okay i was fatigued/ well really more sleepy really today. i have like sharp stabbing shooting pains through my head and neck but its nothing compared what its like usually. I was able to get a few things done, clean up a bunch and relax a bunch. I felt like i made some goals and plans for myself and accomplished things today.

so now i have a few hobbies possibly. so its good.

stuff

i hate writing updates. i know i need to and this is the easiest way to do it for me. I've just been feeling crappy the last few days. with the chiropractor helping the inflammation its good. I'm going to go twice a week for now. i want to get better!! i want to dance again.

okay, well I've been happy, no depression. but if i think about another doctor telling me that I'm depressed i know i would cry because i try and believe the doctor and then i look back at all the things i love to do that i cant do any more then i cry and then the doctor thinks that's reason to believe I'm depressed! aah.

that hasn't happened for a while but never mind.

i went to the gynaecologist yesterday because my period hasn't come for like 40 days and last time it came for a week then it stopped for a week and came for another week. i thought maybe i was pregnant or something, i actually would like that. i mean i dont want to plan for it and it would be hard but I'm noticing myself smiling and talking about babies and stuff instead of being scared of the idea whereas before i would freak. so maybe its just my time to warm up to the idea right? but i had an ultrasound today to look at everything. the doc should get them by Monday.. eek. no sign of pregnancy.

today i felt like crap. sharp pains go through my head and neck. my legs feel heavy. i try and move and i feel more like crap. maybe its the heat. i really should limit my movement. I've been eating much more. and last night my stomach was hurting me and today.

theres more but i don't now what else to say. that's why i should be keeping more track of it.

sore throat. I'm tired alot. i slept like 6 hours i think last night but i was sooo tired today.

forgetfulness/chiropractor/reflux

i'm having a hard time figuring out like what day it is and if i did something that day or not. Like i had no idea i wrote a blog already for "yesterday". which is really today cuz i havnet gone to sleep yet. so i guess thats a symptom. like today i went to the chiropractor and i looked at my phone to see the date. June 15 then i had to use my hands to figure out what number june is. then like a minute and a half later i had to sign one more thing and i asked what date it was again.

so the visit went well. i'm not supposed to say anything but...my insurance will pay only 25 dollars a visit for 12 visits in a year. so the chiropractor is letting that be my payment and then i asked him later what happens if i have to come more than 12 visits and he said i could just pay the 25 like my insurance. yay! score! and hes so much closer than my old chiropractor. so yeah and he does like this wobble chair thing and this vibrating thing that goes on your back and this big clicky contraption and a few adjustments. wow. my back pain was alot better after that. bearable. and he told me about toxins and such and how my back was inflamed just like my stomach and stuff cuz of my ibs and reflux problems.

so new symptom: i feel like theres a chip stuck in my upper esophagus, i looked it up and its like acid reflux but in your esophagus. laryngopharyngeal reflux. i dunno.

back pain

the last two days i've had horrible back/neck pain. it started yesterday when my neck started to cramp like usual but then I got wiped out. its like I tried to stretch my neck and it got worse then I got a migraine had to sleep it was so bad! like i had a migraine in my neck. same thing tonight but its with my back this time. i tried to strech and it made it so bad i had to lie down with ice on my back and even now i have ice on it. the pain radiates outward. like a burning feeling. my stomach gets nautius and i have chills. but i dont have a fever. i slept in till 12 today too. i cant tell if i'm just cycling through symptoms, or i'm getting worse. so basically i'm not able to to things. also both times i ate fatty fast food and then i felt like crap. but i've been eating fast food for a while. its easy, gives me my protien and carbs that i CRAVE! i thought maybe i got the migraine because ive been drinking too much soda and not enough water. So i'm going to stop soda for a while.

also i've started to resort to OLD habits. I'm picking at my face and scratching at my arms with things so i can forget about my pain. its crazy i know. why beat pain with pain? but i'm not depressed. i'm RAW. i'm always at my last straw. i have happiness in things but this disease has stripped me of everything that I knew.
well turning my neck makes it worse. aaah.

sleep problems

i have this thing where i am tired and i go to sleep but i wake up realizing i'm not breathing and i feel my pulse strongly in my head so i get nervous and really wake up and catch my breath. Its probably just sleep apnea as a result of the lyme or bartonella affecting my central nervous system. stupid lyme...

i havent posted all my symptoms lately but there have been some noticable ones but i'm not going to go there.

lately i've been feeling well. not great but well. i'm doing alot more. my apartment is half cleaned up and when i start to feel unwell but i keep going i dont feel worse i feel better. which is a GREAT sign.

I found out another girl I know had lyme for 9 years while she was younger. And I'm bonding with other people with health issues.

Sunday I reluctantly went back to the college group at my old church. There I realized just how fragile and broken I am. Especially with my marriage issues. Accepting instead of denying i think is a good thing for me cuz none of this is going away any time soon.

whats new

I cry more easily now. I'm mad at the world for not believing me.

"the story of my life. the only one who believes in me is YOU. Never ending, what else do you have for me? (referring to the past when my family was against me in high school) Was I wrong to give my life to you? (referring to stepping out in faith and reaching out to people etc.) Always suffer and for what cause? You are the ONLY thing that keeps me going. I want to die but i have hope. And I don't want to die. I fear death and I fear to suffer. Yet I am suffering."

I guess i'm learning things that people will never learn without such a drastic thing happening. But will I use these things that I learn or will i learn never to trust? What do I do when i have kids? Why would I put them on this wretched earth where all I've seen is suffering? And even in the USA when the suffering is the least.

I'm sensitive, fragile, open, learning, reactive, understanding, wise, instense, playful, childlike

never without pain

i cant sleep because of the pain. i'm never without pain. even my heat pad doesnt help.

feeling better

I've been feeling better. Thats all I have to say. For the last few days I havent been able to update because I havent had access to the internet. Besides the stomach pains and migraines i've done alot today and i feel a little better. I was able to clean alot. Oh yea the other day I got in an argument with my husband and I went out. This one lady at the pet shop was very happy. My gloom went away. It's amazing what a messsy enviroment will do to you. I hope I didnt overdo it though because then I'll just crash. Stress on a "good" day will make the rest of the week bad. My lymph nodes under my chin still hurt.

tired / abdominal pain

im so tired.
getting too much sleep now.
i took an epsom salt bath yesterday and felt so bad after. i also took some vitamin c on top of the other stuff i take. i was able to go to the mall with stephanie later in the evening but i still felt like crap there. i was feeling better while driving home but despite taking one benadryl i couldnt fall asleep till 2am. i woke up 5 hrs later to tremendous abdominal pain and went in the living roomwhere i put my heat pack on my stomach. i fell asleep and woke up at 1:15pm. i'm still tired. i stand up and i get dizzy.

Today

So i woke up at 6:15am to realize that I needed to go to my doctors office for my 7:15 appointment. Mike was still asleep. I yelled at him to get up because i couldn't get up myself. He was supposed to wake me up cuz i am too ill right now. and he stayed asleep making excuses for his behavior! meanwhile I'm hurt because I'm the only advocate in my life and I'm not doing that great of a job. we got in a fight where i was yelling screaming throwing shoes and hangers around while he tried to sleep. then i left him alone for a while. He woke up and tried to apologize to me but it wasn't good enough.
so then he walked outside to the car while saying "2 minutes" a minute later he sped off. i was so hurt i bawled. then i called him and he finally came back to get me.
I drove him to work so that later i might be able to go to the docs office. I dropped him off and he was being mean to me. anyways it kinda ended okay i guess. then i drove to the grocery store to get a few things. It killed me. oh my gosh it wiped me out. i was achy the rest of the day. i went home and canceled my doc appointment. i had another one close to here for a maybe PCP at 4:30 so that might happen. i watched some movies then my friends came over just in time for me to go to my doc appointment. they cheered me up. well mike called me and said it was cool that they come over for a while and with a sound that made me think that it really would be okay.
went to the PCP to see what help he had. I think i accomplished a couple things with this appointment. 1: made an ally 2: got confidence to ask for things i need 3: realize that PCP's are useless with Lyme.
When I got home with my friends my husband was already there. so my friends and i got some food to bring home. i wasn't feeling hot at all! we got back and he had 3 different bouquets of tulips out. it was so nice. so yeah we made up.
but anyways i felt like shit still. my lymph nodes hurt, my body aches, and my stomach hurts.
i ate a good amount of food and got some rest.
Elizabeth's mom came to pick my friends up and she prayed for me. her husband has the cancer stage 4. but she said to me that it was okay to ask for healing. and she had me try to visualize myself well. The first time it was hard and i couldn't do it. the second time i got to see myself cleaning and not being exhausted like i get on a GREAT day which i haven't had but I've had like an hour maybe on a GREAT day. but when i got to the dancing part i felt heaviness and pain and burning all to break me down i just couldn't visualize it!
and its hard for me to think that its okay to ask for healing because one day we will all die.
so i don't know. my lymph nodes hurt right now. i went with mike to Wallgreens to pick up some Epsom salt and there everything hurt. even the touch of my nail to my ear hurt really bad. i had to walk slowly and crouch over a few times to take the pain.

abdominal pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didnt sleep at all last night until about 9 in the morning i fell asleep for a few hours. completely fatigued all day. my stomache hurt alot. like a warm feeling. it hurt alot near my upper abdomen. any pressure makes it worse. I feel like i'm constipated and full. But I have gone like 6 times today and its normal stool but its alot. i ate a bagel and cream cheese for lunch. I am peeing alot too. and these feelings have been for quite a few days but its getting worse. i think it might be IBS. i feel like i had surgery on my stomach muscles and when i try to use them i get weak i feel queasy all over but mostly in my abdomen, shakey and get a slight headache. i took a long bath today and just rested in there because of the fatigue. it was hard to get up. my head hurts right now. there is a pain that is just not going away on my lower left abdomen area. i dont know what thats about. hopefully i can sleep tonight. i do want to get better and i think i'm actally geting that point where i cant deny my illness and think it away for the moment. i need to be more agressive in getting the help i need.

my arms fall asleep fast and i woke up several times during my short sleep with my fingers feeling like they were on fire.

Pictures of scab/mole/bruise

This picture is the scab on my leg I was talking about...

Imagine this bruising on my legs.

These two pictures are of moles/freckles I'm worried about...

update/in-laws/what to say

i'm nautious today. i've been having a small round pain on my left side of my stomache. really its lower than that but it hurts especially when pressed on. i have a low tolerance to pain again. my small dog will walk over my stomache and i will yell alout "OW!!!!!!!" it hurts for him to even walk on my arm. I've used HeadAndShoulders and my scalp is still flakey. Theres tiny bumps that hurt probably from scratching my head alot allowing it to bleed. Last week my leg was itching alot and there was a small rash. Its still there with a crusted part in the middle. I'm not sure what to think of it. The petechie is around my body again. I've noticed a little here and there. Not too much. The body pain is less today and I slept okay last night not much waking up. Lately i noticed less blotchiness on my legs. It looked like it was purpleish bruising but not bruising. I don't know how to explain it. But i noticed less. but its not gone.

my step mother in law thinks I'm bipolar and doesnt understand why I wont work. She thinks its unfair that Mike has to go to school full time and work 30 hours a week. I told her that I did it. A lot of people do it. I hope mike understands that and doesnt get in their trap. Its alot for him to be a new husband, live on his own, and take care of his wife all at once. He's never done any of it before. Its not like he has to clean the apartment or pay all the bills. I had to do ALL of it before. Thats what it takes to live on your own. I'm kinda upset he didnt defend me though to his dad and stepmom. But I was not as hurt as i used to be when someone didnt believe me that I was sick. Probably because I have alot of support now, even if it is a message board group!

Another thing, yesterday I walked my dog down the street and ran into an old school friend from last fall. He asked how I was doing and what I was doing. What am I supposed to say to that. I don't have any small talk to give besides whats going on with me! "Hmm. well i'm married and I have lyme disease, I dropped out of school got fired from my job and now I'm trying to recouporate from this disease where i can lie on the couch for a week at a time and do nothing because of tremendous fatigue or pain! Oh and I went out the other day, yay, cuz i never do that." HOW BORING and weird! So i didnt say any of that. "I'm walking, getting this thing here" We were at 7/11. "then i'm going home!" "great you still living at home?" "no I'm married now" "cool" "oh yeah congratulations" "thanks" And because i was so uncomfortable mainly because of my hair we stopped talking and i turned around to look at something and then he was gone. great! So how am I supposed to give hope to people when i'm like this?

Bone crushing pain

I have officially transitioned from the horrible head pain stage to the bone crunching pain. I awoke several times where it felt like the bones in my neck were painfully grinding on eachother. I have pain in my bones down to my toes. Every bone every part of my body. It sucks. I got a massage today which helped a little bit. I cant wait until I can do this Indian detox thingy. It costs alot so I'm going to wait until we pay off our credit cards. We should have that done by October. Birthday present???

Live as if you were dying.

I did ALOT today. But the feelings of death and doom still plague me. Today I finished the rest of the dishes, vacuumed the living room, ironed about 2 loads of clothes, walked a bit, alot. i also went out to dinner and after went to Sarah's to soak in the jacuzzi. i got home around 12:30am.

last night i went to see Pirates 3 and almost near the end i had a panic attack. I thought I was going to die. I guess the idea of death scares me. i couldn't shake it. knowing that Elizabeth's dad now has stage 4 cancer worries me that i could have something serious and die. But i did some research and knew that if I was going to die any time soon I would be peeing less (which I've been peeing more) my hunger would go and i would probably have dry lips. All which I don't have. But still, I might live a short life. and everyone says to live as if you were dying, or today was your last day.

I watched a podcast from mosaic church about Jeremiah and his purpose. Anyways I got out of it that even if i was dying tomorrow God has a purpose for me in that. Studying this has given me more hope, not for life but for purpose, and life after death. And I know that God uses hardship not for healing in a visual or practical form but in a supernatural form.

all i know is I am definitely learning and growing closer to God every day through this trial, maybe the growing closer is God's purpose in all this and maybe I will die young. Maybe I will live a long and fruitful life, but if I take one thing from all of this it is what I've learned today. Anyways, death is a real thing and I can't run away from it. If I don't die tomorrow or any day from this illness, I will die from a car crash, another illness, murder, accidental death, or natural causes. I cannot escape it. I must face it. And I can't hold onto this life forever. God has given me today to enjoy and give hope to those around me.

If I got better...

If I got better what would I do? This is a hard thing to think about for a couple of reasons. What if I don't get better. If I don't get better I'd like time to think about what I should do with my life, how long I will live, and go through the grieving process early. I'm that kind of person. I like to get things done fast so I can move on and not waste another day...Another question...How old will I be when I get better? Will I be fully better or will I have a number of difficulties after this disease? But I think it's good to note what I would do if I did get better because I don't want to get better and forget everything I learned about life.

Okay so I will start a list of things I would do if I got better:

1) Dance, learn dancing, not competitive or stressful, but for fun.
2) Adopt
3) Travel to third world countries and help distribute food or clothing.
4) Finish a drawing and a color theory class so I can paint better.
5) remember that maintaining a beautiful home for it's own sake is not that important to me. (i forget sometimes)
6) Advocate for chronic illness and infections. and spread good information and uplifting information about them.

Would I continue with school? Why? Should I continue with school? Why? I dunno what to do...

What would you do?

When I was first sick...

This is a picture in December of 2005 when I was first having symptoms. I started having weird cravings so desperate that I would get a headache if I didn't get it. I had to have a hamburger with just ketchup and a bun and if i had sugar it was a problem. later my cravings were for chocolate frozen yogurt. One person said it was hypoglycemia. Even later it was iced tea and pickles. It was driving me up the wall! I used cool packs to help with the migraines.

My friends and I made a joke out of it. We called our small group "Pretty Corny" because I had corn on my head. haha. Who knew I was really sick?