Sunshine

I remember a year and a half ago running into an old friend from high school and on the verge of tears because I was about to lose my job. The start of my illness in full swing trying to put behind me the horror I went through the summer before. Her life was going great, hot boyfriend, head of her sorority Delta Delta Delta. I'm worried I can't make it to my dance class because of my bout of narcolepsy coming on me making me more insecure. Embarrassed because I look flaky. vulnerable and lazy. I'm not that person although my past before college dictated that I was. My life was doomed to disappoint. And it didn't stop there. It took another year before the light would begin to show.

A year wasted? I think not. It's not something i wanted. It certainly felt like it was wasted. But God had His plan. It was a boost into the healing that I wanted, that I asked for. I've learned the art of grieving about the idea of hope. And though my life looks like I'm choosing these paths, the path was chosen for me. I am limited I am working and going to school like I was before. Maybe people will think I"m picking up where I left off, and in a way that's what I want.

But it's not like that. As I'm writing this I know I will go home so I can use a TENS unit on my tense muscles that go spastic whenever they want and I have my instant ice packs in my purse along with an almost empty bottle of Aleve, Migralief tablets and my Dramamine for nausea. My sunglasses are always available. The major and classes I chose, the work I choose has to be flexible. If I have a bad day and need to stay home or if I need to zone out or rest. I have to learn to relax my muscles as much as possible and even though I want good posture I need to forget about that for the sake of neck pain relief.

Whats gotten me through has been http://chronicillnesssupport.typepad.com/ and this verse:
PSALM 40
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Also the knowledge that all things are for the good of all those that believe. The order of events in my life contribute to the order of events in another life. If I know that theres a possibility I'm in pain and distress because another person will benefit greatly it is worth while. It's a way to endure.

But one thing that has been constant since the start of my back pain 2 years ago is I have prayed and hoped it would not interfere or cause my dancing to go away. I don't know why but I still have that passion and who knows if it will ever be fulfilled in any way. I hope that my blogs are a source of encouragement to anyone out there.

PS I do like my classes and I do like my job and I am enjoying my husband more and more each day.

unhappy and unsatisfied

but i feel unsatisfied and unhappy but mostly unsatisfied. i'm not sure why. i think it has alot to do with my health and how i used to be and how i am very limited now.

for example i cant even enjoy you know with my hubby because i get muscle exhaustion. i cant enjoy housework because now i work 4 hours a day and come home feeling unwell. i cant just get up and enjoy life anymore. all i can do is go online and go on the computer and go out sometimes and go to work now (my first week). every action i take and every goal i set is limited by my health.

I used to dance. before i got really sick i realized what i love the most is dancing. now i cant do it :-(

what to do?

my first step i think is going to join the ymca. they have arthritis swim and chair classes so we'll see.

the last two weeks

i went to the doc and he told me to take double my meds. as a result i've had an overall increase in symptoms. i had some marital problems that did get resolved but i hurt my neck in the process. so i started going to the chiropractor at my school which is really cheap. hes done this combo therapy on my neck and slowly getting my neck and back to a place that he can start doing other stuff. its been helpful. but the last few days have been pretty bad. mentally i couldnt take the double meds i was getting confused and couldnt think straight and i still cant but it was so bad. and felt weak and ill and i still do. my hands and feet hurt alot. and this other thing i'm not sure is related whatsoever but my nipples hurt. i decided to drop any dance class and just take the 3 communication disorder classes. i wont be able to handle it at all. maybe i need to move on. its sad. the reason is i was enrolled in a 3 unit intermediate ballet class that i had last semester which i really like the teacher and she would most likely be lenient on me and stuff but i'm afraid i wont be able to catch up at all and it would be too much too fast. if only she had an easier class. but the other dance teacher seems kinda tough. any absence or late or non dress counts. and they are each 1 unit so i would have to take 3 and thats too much. with papers and stuff not worth it.

i really want a maid to come like once a month. i think it would help me a great deal. my husband and i are going to get a car for me. maybe a 98-99 jaguar xj6 or something similar. if we take good care of it in about 20 years it would be a classic. which is always good. we just have to be committed to the repairs. but yeah i need a car to go to school even if its a block away. i'm just too sick. also the doc approved me for a temporary handicapped parking thing, now if i can only find the paperwork he sent me...aye aye aye lyme brain!!!!

everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy

i find it so sad that i find more enjoyment in cuddling in my blanket, spending hours ironing clothes and nothing else, laying in the grass staring at a tree while listening to music and staring at the stars than anything i love. i love kids, i love dancing, i love art, etc. but when i do those things i dont have enjoyment anymore. its so sad. i dont know why this is happening to me! everything i knew i was i cant find anymore.

also i get distracted really easily now to the point where its overwhelming for me. like i have ADD or something but i was never like that.

i've been fatigued. i dont know really what to call it. my body is awake but my mind is asleep. in a dream state.

today i walked in the heat with my dog for about 1/4 mile and started feeling a little ill. i think that i'm still sick but i've managed it very well with my different supplements and strategies to fight inflamation and such. i used to push myself through it.

fuck it all!

wow today was great. i slept in though which is good. i was able to walk ALOT today and even do a few turns (cuz i like to dance in random places like the bus stop :-)

i'm tired tonight and i think i'm gonna be able to sleep well. i feel like i did before when i worked and i was having a hard time because i was working and going to school and not feeling well at the same time. so thats good. its much improvement.

i think that god might be healing me.

i get this feeling when i take a shower like the blood is pooling in my feet and hands and they hurt alot and feel like i need to shake them and massage them and lift them up instead of standing on them (or in my hands case keeping them down).

another thing i've been still spotting those red dots in random places. my right shoulder has a bigger one (still very small but i was able to take a picture of it before my camera died on me).

along with the feet pain i feel i see like spider veins all in my feet and calves. at first it was just in my right foot and now its in my left foot. so i'm going to bring that up to the doc next friday when i go.

i spent a long time in Michaels' today looking for scrapbooking stuff for my wedding album. i found some cool paper. i got some good ideas. i'm going to take it like one page at a time and i have an idea of what i'm gonna do with the whole thing as well.

i havent done any knitting lately though. but i will in time. i think that scrapbooking is a little funner and slightly more challenging and if i have the energy for it i like to do that instead.

TAKE THE SUMMER OFF!!! is my motto