doctors appointment

So tomorrow is my doctors appointment after i got my 2 MRI's today. I've been lethargic and depressed but realizing my depression is due to my lethargy. its a vicious cycle. I do not claim I don't have depression but I don't want to just give up on figuring out what my triggers are.

anyways i got to look at my mri's and i don't see any srynx's in my spine but I'm not a doctor or mri tech.

I want to be 21

I am very dissatisfied with my life. And rightfully so. Some would chalk it up to depression and at times I would as well. I want to live life fully. And yet I try to live life fully given my limitations. Do you ever feel like life went by and you did extraordinary things during that time but never fully lived it? Of course not. Not many people do. Or should I say they do because nearly half of all Americans have to suffer through invisible illnesses. I'm only 21 but this illness has caused me to age significantly to about 80 and back. I've lost friends for different reasons. Because I can no longer keep up any kind of social life and because I am no longer willing to be around people who judges me for my illness and the decisions I make around it. So when I want to be around people my age and actually experience what a college student should and when I'm ready for it it's not available to me. Other times, nearly 80 percent of the time I do not want to be around people my age. Few have had to deal with something like this. They cant understand why I am the way I am, even though I so desperately want to have that full of life feeling where I can go anywhere on my two feet. I've lost the last year of my life. I've lost it, even though others haven't. I can't find it and it wont return. That whole year of my life no matter how wonderful things may have been, its gone. I cannot take it back and use it to my maximum agile energetic ability full of passion and promise. Things that are "fun" in my life now, Being ABLE to notice the sunset, oh something i used to dream for every day and now all i can see is the pain in my eyes and all over my body, in my stomach and weakness, sleepy always, feel like my mind has went from IQ of 120 to 50 in just one short year. embarrassment from lack of mind. GONE its all gone. And I can't even look back on the year to remember it and remember the things that happened. Its like my life stopped for a year I was in a coma that was full of crushing pain while everyones lives continued on.

Brain Fog

Heth wrote: Every have those days were nothing makes sence or you forget things around you like who is that person or what am i saying?
Feel free to share your funny brain moments. We all understand here. :D


yesterday i was at the mall with my friend and we couldn't find my car. i was for sure my car was in this one area. we ended up going back in the mall to figure it out again. (since there is parking all around the mall). then my friend insisted that my car was to the left but i INSISTED that it was to the right thinking i remembered what the mall layout was. we walked my way and i ended up being TOTALLY wrong! its a good thing i was with a close friend instead of a judgmental one. lol.

actually when i have these moments i get REALLY embarrassed. like i go to a bible study and i hate the prayer time cuz i might have to pray or pray with someone. when i go to pray i forget EVERYTHING i was going to say and stumble over my words and say something like"thank you god......thank you...god....um...you know my heart...sorry i cant remember anything right now....amen."

oh and i'm in love with auto spell check on my computer. otherwise noone would understand me. lol

also. my mind feels like every 6 seconds theres like a hiccup or something where okay i'll give an example. i'm sad so i start to cry and then when the 6 second cycle is ending and the next one is starting i have to remember what was going on so i never baul or cry fully about how i'm feeling cuz i have to keep remembering what is going on. this happened last night.

or i just feel dumb for some reason or like handicapped. i upped my meds and this happened last time i upped them too. so my doc gave me the permission to lower it again if i cant handle it. so i did. and i'm feeling sane again but it still sucks.

i guess its not so funny. but sometimes i laugh at the things that i do. what else can you do right? i'd rather be happy than live in misery.

update from last blog

so ive done alot of thinking lately. everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy right? well for one thing its only temporary because of my fatigue. and another thing every other day i change my mind about what i'm going to do with my life right now. my mind is wracking over these decisions. do i go to csun and start this new major head on? or go slowly. do i quit csun and go to a community college and take things like creative writing and maybe work? do i pursue more early education degrees? Do i take the things i like such as art and music at csun and possibly create a major? one of the main reasons i'm considering these things is because of control. i want so badly to make money so i can be in control and i need to release the control. i know if i do communication disorders i could be making a decent wage afterwards. or do i pursue just being a wife? learning how to create dishes and do scrapbooking and other things like that just staying home? which honestly is what ive been enjoying much more lately. i feel like maybe this disease has caused me to experience something that i actually love which i never thought i would. maybe my true hearts desire is to be a mother and a wife and not work. thats whats been going on lately at least. having a baby and the desire to be a mom has been popping up alot lately. taking care of my home and such. and my enjoyment comes more out of my imagination than anything else. for instance i just got back from my friends home. shes a mother and a wife and they live in a quaint house owned by her inlaws. she cant really do much with it cuz their renting and her inlaws use alot of the yard for storing equipment and cars (they are contractors) i like their house because well my friend she likes to do some gardening planting herbs and rose bushes, scrapbooking, etc all the things ive been desiring to do. and the thing i like most about their house is that if i lived there i would enjoy it merely because you can imagine so much. if you have a perfect house all brand new and decorated and you can see it with your eyes whats left to imagine or create? youll have to find something else. but there you can do things like plant a rose bush here or place a bench there etc. i dont know if any of this makes sense but it does to me. this diesease has really been a blessing in disguise. i have no hair and can do nothing more than imagine and stare at the stars or go on a short walk or feel the breeze on a warm day or lay in the grass or iron some clothes. its kinda therapeutic. and i dont want to leave it behind to return to the hussle bussle of the busy life that i used to have and everyone else has where they dont have time or care to walk in the park and think of nothing more than how beautiful the leaves in the trees look as they sway against the blue sky.

so back to school. i shared with mike that i just want to be a wife. nothing more. and that i'm torn about what to do. its not really practical yet thats what i desire. he said i could do that just be a wife. and then he suggested a few things where in the end i decided that i will continue my education of communication disorders so that one day when i'm 40 and the kids are in high school or what not i can do something or maybe there will be a day where mike will be out of work or he gets sick and i can care for him by working. so now i'm not going to school so i can finish so i can work so i can make money. and that makes me happy and content.

another thing that bothers me is i have defined myself by the things i enjoy. i never wanted to define myself as a wife and thats all or a mom and thats all. i would cringe at the thought because i want my life to have purpose. i wanted to be a server and help the poor and care for the needy etc. i liked to dance and wanted to be good at it. its hard not to think of those things. and why do i have to go take a class to become a writer or a dancer or an artist? and why do i need degrees in them? i know that came from nowhere but i think about those things only because i think well i enjoy them so i should take classes and then get a degree in them and that is the only way i can do them. i dont make any sense but it ties back to the imagination that ive been developing lately the creativity. it comes from within and i can create in my head and i can write and i can learn all those things without college and on my own even as a wife or a mom. i guess i feel i'm dependent on schooling to learn anything.

im not depressed i just need to redefine who i am and i guess i shouldnt even do that. define myself. just be. and enjoy. thats all there is to life. its weird but thats what this disease has taught me.

everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy

i find it so sad that i find more enjoyment in cuddling in my blanket, spending hours ironing clothes and nothing else, laying in the grass staring at a tree while listening to music and staring at the stars than anything i love. i love kids, i love dancing, i love art, etc. but when i do those things i dont have enjoyment anymore. its so sad. i dont know why this is happening to me! everything i knew i was i cant find anymore.

also i get distracted really easily now to the point where its overwhelming for me. like i have ADD or something but i was never like that.

i've been fatigued. i dont know really what to call it. my body is awake but my mind is asleep. in a dream state.

today i walked in the heat with my dog for about 1/4 mile and started feeling a little ill. i think that i'm still sick but i've managed it very well with my different supplements and strategies to fight inflamation and such. i used to push myself through it.

fuck it all!

food allergy? and no period!

so i'm pretty sure i might have a food allergy. at first i was thinking not but today i got that flushed feeling in my face after eating at the bbq. i ate alot of new things than usual. i felt like my face was swelling and stuff but it wasnt and i was tired. and also the only thing that helped was cool rag on my face and i slept for like 3 - 4 hours in the air conditioned apartment. so i'm going back to the allergist to take the test.

another thing, i still dont have my period. i've been depressed today (probably from being tired) moody and i gained weight so i thought maybe the pregnancy tests were too early so i took another one and it was negative. i mean i would rather i be pregnant than it be something else cuz that would mean i was healthy in that area. it pisses me off that the doctor who took all those tests wont call me back and the staff in his office are incompetent. i think i might just go in and request copies of the records and take the tests to another gynocologist.