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1 year ago
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I want to be 21
I am very dissatisfied with my life. And rightfully so. Some would chalk it up to depression and at times I would as well. I want to live life fully. And yet I try to live life fully given my limitations. Do you ever feel like life went by and you did extraordinary things during that time but never fully lived it? Of course not. Not many people do. Or should I say they do because nearly half of all Americans have to suffer through invisible illnesses. I'm only 21 but this illness has caused me to age significantly to about 80 and back. I've lost friends for different reasons. Because I can no longer keep up any kind of social life and because I am no longer willing to be around people who judges me for my illness and the decisions I make around it. So when I want to be around people my age and actually experience what a college student should and when I'm ready for it it's not available to me. Other times, nearly 80 percent of the time I do not want to be around people my age. Few have had to deal with something like this. They cant understand why I am the way I am, even though I so desperately want to have that full of life feeling where I can go anywhere on my two feet. I've lost the last year of my life. I've lost it, even though others haven't. I can't find it and it wont return. That whole year of my life no matter how wonderful things may have been, its gone. I cannot take it back and use it to my maximum agile energetic ability full of passion and promise. Things that are "fun" in my life now, Being ABLE to notice the sunset, oh something i used to dream for every day and now all i can see is the pain in my eyes and all over my body, in my stomach and weakness, sleepy always, feel like my mind has went from IQ of 120 to 50 in just one short year. embarrassment from lack of mind. GONE its all gone. And I can't even look back on the year to remember it and remember the things that happened. Its like my life stopped for a year I was in a coma that was full of crushing pain while everyones lives continued on.
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4 comments:
you know what - I understand - I am not 21 anymore - I think I got this when I was around 22 or 23 years old- but I feel like I lost most of my life - the past 20+ years - and I don't have to repeat what you said - but I feel the same way - it wasn't all pain though there was some moments - that I had some clarity of mind - some pain free moments -
But I can not have kids - that is gone - I won't even try because if I was successful i would probably give it to them - how fair would that be?
What I can do is fight - I can keep on - rest when I need to which is alot!!
know there are others that understand here - thank you for being here -
my friends don't understand - but I do have good friends that encourage me to keep taking my meds - to get out when I feel well enough and to rest when I don't
There is hope there has to be -
There are so many of us - if we all just tell one person a day - they I bet already will know someone with Lyme - and then we can say - SEE it is an epidemic -
push each person to do a little research - maybe invite friends to join our group to learn more about us - and our illness - to support us -
and hopefully that movie - under our skin - will help turn the tide - and research and the truth - about how we can get better will start coming out -
I know we can be helped -
Someone out there is going to help us - and not need us to pay cash up front - because the insurance companies won't cover it -
I still have some hope....
I understand completely.....I think I can sympathize with this more than anyone here, I'm about to turn 20, I havent walked in years, I feel like I am still a kid because that was the last time I lived 'normally' and ran around, and lived carefree..etc....I think you just need to look at the positives....even if you dont see them they are there....for me, there REALLY arent any right now, but I try to make some, like I am happy for my antibiotics, my doctor, my family, that I'm alive, for money to buy the things I need....just having all that is enough to be happy right now, I try not to think about the friends I've lost, or the years that have gone by without me, because I know that when I am better I will make up for them.
You wrote in a post the other day that you went to the mall with a close friend of yours...and you lost your car....so instead of making it a negative...try to think of it as a postiive thing....you were able to go to the mall!! and walk around, and you have a close friend, who cared enough to spend time with you...and you were able to drive your car there all on your own! Those are amazing gifts! I know this seems like NOTHING in the scheme of things, but at least for me, when I feel the way you're feeling right now, taking one little thing like that, and turning it around into "good" things makes me feel a lot better.
You will get better, just keep visualizing it, keep on thinking about all the things you want to do, and how happy you're going to be when you finally get to do them.
God bless, and Get well :)
I understand this feeling. I'm a little older then you, but certainly not an age where people are evaluating which cane works best for them or where they have their doctor's office phone number memorized or where a trip to Wal-Mart is a big social outing.
Keep up your blogging! You have a great blog, and it is a good outlet. Spending time on it for me is a level of creativity that I have the energy for.
The last time I remember being completely well is when I was 19. I'm 38 now (39 in January).
I've had Lyme now for longer than I haven't.
One does adapt. It sucks, but one does adapt.
I hope the antibx help you and your not stuck with feeling 80 for the next 20 years
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