attack

So I had a really bad attack last night. its 4am and I'm still nauseated and my back still hurts but it's calmed down alot. I just have to be careful so I don't aggravate it. I wonder if its because i tried a basic ballet class on Saturday. I don't really know what brings it on. It felt like that night I went to the ER. so i wrapped myself in a heating blanket on the couch and distracted myself with television. I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up for hours.Any type of position felt like pressure shooting up my spine. I still feel it but I don't know. UGH!

I am in line for this new job as a preschool teacher. It's perfect. I would work in the mornings and have my own class of 3 year olds. Its a small class and I would do whatever I wanted. I just hope I can handle mornings because mornings are really hard for me. I have a hard time waking up and staying awake. I don't want to look lazy and I want to give them all my attention. At least I'm not an assistant because that would put more pressure on me to perform and I would have to do heavy lifting.

I am so stressed out too. I need to see my therapist but she's been booked. I might have to see someone else. Thats good too because even though the rest of the therapists in her office are Christians I am pretty sure she is not.

I want to be 21

I am very dissatisfied with my life. And rightfully so. Some would chalk it up to depression and at times I would as well. I want to live life fully. And yet I try to live life fully given my limitations. Do you ever feel like life went by and you did extraordinary things during that time but never fully lived it? Of course not. Not many people do. Or should I say they do because nearly half of all Americans have to suffer through invisible illnesses. I'm only 21 but this illness has caused me to age significantly to about 80 and back. I've lost friends for different reasons. Because I can no longer keep up any kind of social life and because I am no longer willing to be around people who judges me for my illness and the decisions I make around it. So when I want to be around people my age and actually experience what a college student should and when I'm ready for it it's not available to me. Other times, nearly 80 percent of the time I do not want to be around people my age. Few have had to deal with something like this. They cant understand why I am the way I am, even though I so desperately want to have that full of life feeling where I can go anywhere on my two feet. I've lost the last year of my life. I've lost it, even though others haven't. I can't find it and it wont return. That whole year of my life no matter how wonderful things may have been, its gone. I cannot take it back and use it to my maximum agile energetic ability full of passion and promise. Things that are "fun" in my life now, Being ABLE to notice the sunset, oh something i used to dream for every day and now all i can see is the pain in my eyes and all over my body, in my stomach and weakness, sleepy always, feel like my mind has went from IQ of 120 to 50 in just one short year. embarrassment from lack of mind. GONE its all gone. And I can't even look back on the year to remember it and remember the things that happened. Its like my life stopped for a year I was in a coma that was full of crushing pain while everyones lives continued on.