so ive done alot of thinking lately. everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy right? well for one thing its only temporary because of my fatigue. and another thing every other day i change my mind about what i'm going to do with my life right now. my mind is wracking over these decisions. do i go to csun and start this new major head on? or go slowly. do i quit csun and go to a community college and take things like creative writing and maybe work? do i pursue more early education degrees? Do i take the things i like such as art and music at csun and possibly create a major? one of the main reasons i'm considering these things is because of control. i want so badly to make money so i can be in control and i need to release the control. i know if i do communication disorders i could be making a decent wage afterwards. or do i pursue just being a wife? learning how to create dishes and do scrapbooking and other things like that just staying home? which honestly is what ive been enjoying much more lately. i feel like maybe this disease has caused me to experience something that i actually love which i never thought i would. maybe my true hearts desire is to be a mother and a wife and not work. thats whats been going on lately at least. having a baby and the desire to be a mom has been popping up alot lately. taking care of my home and such. and my enjoyment comes more out of my imagination than anything else. for instance i just got back from my friends home. shes a mother and a wife and they live in a quaint house owned by her inlaws. she cant really do much with it cuz their renting and her inlaws use alot of the yard for storing equipment and cars (they are contractors) i like their house because well my friend she likes to do some gardening planting herbs and rose bushes, scrapbooking, etc all the things ive been desiring to do. and the thing i like most about their house is that if i lived there i would enjoy it merely because you can imagine so much. if you have a perfect house all brand new and decorated and you can see it with your eyes whats left to imagine or create? youll have to find something else. but there you can do things like plant a rose bush here or place a bench there etc. i dont know if any of this makes sense but it does to me. this diesease has really been a blessing in disguise. i have no hair and can do nothing more than imagine and stare at the stars or go on a short walk or feel the breeze on a warm day or lay in the grass or iron some clothes. its kinda therapeutic. and i dont want to leave it behind to return to the hussle bussle of the busy life that i used to have and everyone else has where they dont have time or care to walk in the park and think of nothing more than how beautiful the leaves in the trees look as they sway against the blue sky.
so back to school. i shared with mike that i just want to be a wife. nothing more. and that i'm torn about what to do. its not really practical yet thats what i desire. he said i could do that just be a wife. and then he suggested a few things where in the end i decided that i will continue my education of communication disorders so that one day when i'm 40 and the kids are in high school or what not i can do something or maybe there will be a day where mike will be out of work or he gets sick and i can care for him by working. so now i'm not going to school so i can finish so i can work so i can make money. and that makes me happy and content.
another thing that bothers me is i have defined myself by the things i enjoy. i never wanted to define myself as a wife and thats all or a mom and thats all. i would cringe at the thought because i want my life to have purpose. i wanted to be a server and help the poor and care for the needy etc. i liked to dance and wanted to be good at it. its hard not to think of those things. and why do i have to go take a class to become a writer or a dancer or an artist? and why do i need degrees in them? i know that came from nowhere but i think about those things only because i think well i enjoy them so i should take classes and then get a degree in them and that is the only way i can do them. i dont make any sense but it ties back to the imagination that ive been developing lately the creativity. it comes from within and i can create in my head and i can write and i can learn all those things without college and on my own even as a wife or a mom. i guess i feel i'm dependent on schooling to learn anything.
im not depressed i just need to redefine who i am and i guess i shouldnt even do that. define myself. just be. and enjoy. thats all there is to life. its weird but thats what this disease has taught me.
Posts
1 year ago
2 comments:
I think all of that is very understandable. You're at pivotal moment in your life. I think on the issue of schooling, the idea behind going to school for even creative endeavors isn't because one has to, but because it exposes you to such a large resource of information and other people. It provides context to experience and in that, comes ideas.
Do you need it? No not at all, not for a creative endeavor, but do you need an education? Oh yes, to be successful at writing or art or anything, you must educate yourself. Whether you do that at home as a wife or at school is a choice you make for you.
I'm facing the same choice, so I understand that about schooling. Everything you've said makes sense, it's all going to be worked out as you go I'm sure.
Your journey sounds very similar. I quit college my third year because I enjoyed being a wife and a mom more then being a student, and more then the careers I was studying for.
I still help people. I still am creative. I still do all the things I wanted to- it just looks different. Our society is so paycheck driven, degree driven- when you're put in a situation where you can't or don't do that for a while you can see that a little clearer.
I have had to "unlearn" a lot of my education, actually. College ruined my love for literature, for example, and it is only since I am approaching homeschooling my kids that I am going back to the source and re-reading it without someone's agenda attached on to it.
Just a slightly different take on it. :)
Post a Comment