I did ALOT today. But the feelings of death and doom still plague me. Today I finished the rest of the dishes, vacuumed the living room, ironed about 2 loads of clothes, walked a bit, alot. i also went out to dinner and after went to Sarah's to soak in the jacuzzi. i got home around 12:30am.
last night i went to see Pirates 3 and almost near the end i had a panic attack. I thought I was going to die. I guess the idea of death scares me. i couldn't shake it. knowing that Elizabeth's dad now has stage 4 cancer worries me that i could have something serious and die. But i did some research and knew that if I was going to die any time soon I would be peeing less (which I've been peeing more) my hunger would go and i would probably have dry lips. All which I don't have. But still, I might live a short life. and everyone says to live as if you were dying, or today was your last day.
I watched a podcast from mosaic church about Jeremiah and his purpose. Anyways I got out of it that even if i was dying tomorrow God has a purpose for me in that. Studying this has given me more hope, not for life but for purpose, and life after death. And I know that God uses hardship not for healing in a visual or practical form but in a supernatural form.
all i know is I am definitely learning and growing closer to God every day through this trial, maybe the growing closer is God's purpose in all this and maybe I will die young. Maybe I will live a long and fruitful life, but if I take one thing from all of this it is what I've learned today. Anyways, death is a real thing and I can't run away from it. If I don't die tomorrow or any day from this illness, I will die from a car crash, another illness, murder, accidental death, or natural causes. I cannot escape it. I must face it. And I can't hold onto this life forever. God has given me today to enjoy and give hope to those around me.
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7 months ago
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I wrote my most recently blog, and I talked about this exactly same issue, only in a different format, everyone might be interested to check it out. This theme is common among us Courtney -- and maybe to others
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=2896120&blogID=266774538&Mytoken=4A15526D-DBA1-496B-978BD16F008651AE19520078
courtney misfeldt wrote:
I did ALOT today. But the feelings of death and doom still plague me. Today I finished the rest of the dishes, vacuumed the living room, ironed about 2 loads of clothes, walked a bit, alot. i also went out to dinner and after went to Sarah's to soak in the jacuzzi. i got home around 12:30am...
Thats great!! Just the fact that you can do those things is reason to celebrate!
last But i did some research and knew that if I was going to die any time soon I would be peeing less, my hunger would go and i would probably have dry lips. All which I don't have. But still, I might live a short life. and everyone says to live as if you were dying, or today was your last day..
Are these really signs of dying...??? I keep getting told I'm dying by doctors who don't understand Lyme disease....but if these are the dying symptoms ....I'm in a lotta trouble.....lol
I watched a podcast from mosaic church about Jeremiah and his purpose. Anyways I got out of it that even if i was dying tomorrow God has a purpose for me in that. Studying this has given me more hope, not for life but for purpose, and life after death. And I know that God uses hardship not for healing in a visual or practical form but in a supernatural form...
My favorite bible quote is in Jeremiah...
" Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ”
...This is just a "bump in the road" the way I see it---something that was meant to happen to test me, teach me, and help me grow....
Here is a video clip of a boy w/ no arms or legs talking about Jeremiah and preaching at a church....its really touching, and powerful...and makes me feel like my problems, even though I cant walk and cant do anything ---aren't so "huge" --considering this boy doesnt even have legs or arms.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7668133414808372958&q=Nick+Vujicic
all i know is I am definitely learning and growing closer to God every day through this trial, maybe the growing closer is God's purpose in all this and maybe I will die young. Maybe I will live a long and fruitful life, but if I take one thing from all of this it is what I've learned today. Anyways, death is a real thing and I can't run away from it. If I don't die tomorrow or any day from this illness, I will die from a car crash, another illness, murder, accidental death, or natural causes. I cannot escape it. I must face it. And I can't hold onto this life forever. God has given me today to enjoy and give hope to those around me.
Exactly. It's a learning process. But God's plan for every life is perfect, and sometimes we dont like what is happening to us but it is part of a greater plan that we dont know about. Whether you have Lyme or your dont you could still walk outside and get hit by a bus tomorrow and die..... death isnt something you're supposed to fear really, I know the concept seems scary but if you live each day thinking you're doomed or you're going to die....You will never live, and you'll miss out on a lot of great things, - sick or not.
Even though I can't do anything right now as far as getting out of bed or walking or moving or even finding a doctor who wants to take on such a serious case becasue they have "never seen a case like this"....I am still pretty thankful to just be alive and be here because I know it can be a lot worse because it has been, and I know at any second I could get much sicker and have to go to the hospital which usually happens every other week or so, and hospitals screw up, mistakes happen--simple procuedures have turned deadly in people---I dont think about it but, you never know the outcome.
My advice is that Just when you wake up every morning be thankful for waking up..for me, that is enough to keep me going :)
Even before Lyme I was not one of those who felt immortal. It is just a matter of time before we either suffer and die or just die. I think people are happy when they believe death to still be a far away event, I know I do. When it gets closer to your time or when it seems like its closer to your time, most people naturally become terrified. I only become that scared once, when I thought I could have an incurable bone cancer. I think it is a biological response, the will to live is strong.
I don't have any answers on this topic. I just know I am happy when death seems far away and I am happy everytime I dodge another health bullet. I am anxious and depressed when my health forcast looks dreary.
I would like to be able to transcend this, but I don't think I could outside of religion.
So my philosophy is have fun now and love and be loved now, before its all over.
Also, I feel sad when I hear of babies dying or young people. Sometimes, even when old people die, it is sad. I wish we didn't have to die. I would like to live forever. :) But oh well, I can't so hopefully I will live a long life and get to have a family before its my time.
Courtney,
I appreciate your comments at my blog, http://bobslymediseaseblog.wordpress.com and now, finally, I've made it here to check yours.
It is encouraging to see you young people talking like you are here.
My near death experiences with AML Leukemia have taught me up close and personal that God, is great and merciful.
Many years before 1997, when I got leukemia I had trusted Jesus Christ for my salvation and reconciliation to God, and I knew I was secure in His promise, but I had not been living the best life, so He let me get this very serious disease, accompanied by brain bleeding, a seizure, liver and kidney failure and pneumonia. He also allowed me to be healed and after all that, I went home to live by myself with no prescriptions.
That experience in which I thought I was surely going to die changed my life, teaching me to seek God first and believe what He says in the Bible. I've had happiness and contentment like never before, since I took His correction.
In 2000, He tested my faith with a relapse and this time I had 3 courses of chemo and my bone marrow stopped making blood for about a month. Looked like death again, but because of the grace of God in saving me through Christ's work on the cross, when He paid the penalty of my sins, I was ready to go, but He wasn't ready for me to go, so my bone marrow started making blood again.
These events taught me to start spending my time carefully, like money. Now my first priority is to live in close contact with God through the study of His word and prayer.
Jessica, in case you are not aware, many Americans who need treatments that are not available or allowed in the U.S. are traveling to Thailand and India for treatment. They are possibly getting better treatment there than they would here, for about 10 -20 percent of the cost in America. I'll be happy to expand on that for you, if you would like. Don't be afraid of cost, it's not as expensive as you might think. People have gone to Thailand and had heart surgery for around $10,000. 60 Minutes did a segment on that about 2 years ago.
Crystal, on living forever, Jesus Christ said "Whosoever liveth and believeth in Me shall never die..." John 11:26. I hope you find comfort in those words of God.
In recent weeks the preacher at my church has delivered some very good messages on this subject. You can listen to them for free at www.sermonaudio.com/brothercarpenter if you would like to. They are MP3 files to download for free. His name is Kenneth Madewell.
I think you're doing really well with the thoughts part...
You sound like you're thinking about it a lot - but you're doing the one thing I highly recommend - having a purpose to your day! It's the best thing you can do for yourself to keep going on.
You're also going out and seeing other people and mixing with life outside of yourself - which is good too.
These things may seem like you're just going thru the motions, but that you're doing them is a good thing.
I can see the movie giving you a panic attack - it's fast paced and certainly not a movie that stays away from the topic, although it is a bit light hearted - you do sound like you have some heavy hearted things on your mind.
If you're concerned for your friend and her father - that's one thing - you could just be sad for them and that's fine, in fact it's normal.
However, you shouldn't be worried that you have stage 4 cancer, just becuase you know someone that has it. That's not good. If you have an irrational fear of death - you may want to seek counseling.
However, consider that at some point in our lives people do think about death. It's a part of finding out who we are and what we believe - do we believe in God? The Afterlife? Reincarnation? How do we want to face our death - preparing for our funeral, living wills, our burial, etc. I think that spoonies especially because we have chronic illnesses and may die sooner than our loved ones. We're in doctor offices more often that the regular population and see illness more often than others and are more familiar with medical statistics and hospitals and what goes on there more than the general population.
Obviously you have been thinking about it and seeking guidance about death and how God fits in your life regarding death. It's possible that this is God's purpose in your life - to help you seek Him out through your trials. I believe that it's what we all do during the trials in our life - we look for comfort thru some sort of sprituality - whether that be with praying to God or meditation, or yoga or walking the labryinth.
I think your last paragraph is very telling of your journey - and that's what life is - and what seeking the sprituality in our lives is about - the journey.
Hopefully, soon you'll be able to focus more on the other things that the journey has to offer than just focusing on the end!
Linda
I've thought about it too...
Totally the Lion King perspective here :)
however while dying hurts i think death itself is beautiful and pain free...and all the perfection of the moment...right there...
I have too much time on my hands sometimes loooool...but i can't really say because i've never done it...
but i do know when my grandfather died...his eyes looked like he was looking at something...really looking...and he had been saying how he wanted to see his daughter...so i wonder if that's what he saw. And he looked peaceful let me tell you...
i recently lost my husband of many years.When i think of death i smile and tell myself ,"there is no cancer in heaven"......
Death scares most people, and to be honest it used to scare me until I heard someone say that as long as you know where your going it's not so scary. What's so scary about being in the father's loving arms and being able ot enjoy heaven?
Anyway you are doing great!!!! You hit it on the nail God sometimes uses things to teach us something, or there could be a greater pourpose. maybe one day someon will come along with the same fear and not know about God and you can share with them how you overcame it. Whatever the pourpose fear is NOT of God He says "I have not given you the spirit of fear but of peace and a sound mind."
Just keep drawing closer to God because being near God is life not death and he will cast all your fears away and give you peace and hope
Having watched my maternal grandmother (the woman that raised me) die of Ovarian Cancer...I have to say that I am NOT afraid of death, it is the whole Dying thing that I am not too keen on.
I have meditated and found my spiritual path, and I have found what I believe is waiting for me when my body resumes room temperature and in that I found peace.
For me the most frustrating thing about CFS/FMS (I just hurt all over and aint got no energy itis as my hubby calls it) is that I feel if I can learn the life lessons of a negative experience that I take the negative out of the experience and am left with only good. My trouble is that at times I fail to see ANY lesson out of suffering alone. Maybe that is why I am reading and posting on these forums, MAYBE I can learn from others experiences and just hopefully provide someone else with something that might help.
When I was recovering from a less than loving and caring childhood I had panic attacks so I can empathize.
hi,
i can definitely sympathize. i was recently diagnosed with bone cancer and i'm in my thirties, so i was really scared. all of a sudden i started thinking of death.
i guess it's one of those things that we don't consciously think about unless we're personally faced with them. death is always there, but we don't linger on it and it might be better to think about it for five seconds every day instead of suddenly realizing that it's out there and being shocked. but in our culture, death is something we don't talk about, and so extreme fear of it seems so normal to me. i know that's how i reacted when i was told i was very sick.
i never had a panic attack in my life but i started suffering from them now because i was so scared. i really dislike tranquilizers but i started taking them because i really needed the help, and i also spoke to a therapist. i think such fear is the most natural response in the world. it really is scary! personally, from my experience, i think that if it disrupts your life and stops you from doing things and enjoying them, then it's best to get professional help. not because we can avoid death - we all know we can't, but still, we could change the way we looked at it, processed it, and dealt with it. i know that my own fear of dying has helped me to appreciate life so much more than i did before i was told i had cancer. my life has much more meaning to it. it's painful, too, but as long as i can put this fear into a context that helps my life become more meaningful, not one that paralyzes me, then i think it was really worth it to think of death.
and by the way, so many people find out they are sick and get better and survive. my cancer won't kill me, it was caught in time and i'm okay. so that's possible too, cancer-wise.
three
I don't have a fear of death, but I do worry about leaving this earth before I get to meet and know and love my grandchildren - basically finish out my journey into old age. I am 56 years old and only just started to truly enjoy my life in the last few years --ever since I had my stroke (a big one yet God chose to leave me with no functional impairments!) - I'm just not ready to leave yet!!!!! ...
So I try to make every day count both for me and for others because of my awareness that my days are indeed numbered...as are all people's, as some of you have said ..
On another note, I have always believed that life might better be called a school for the blind, in which we are given spiritual lessons in order to learn to truly see..
Blessings,
Juliette
Hi
I've been thinking about death lately (having recently found out that there is something seriously - chronically wrong with my brain) and although I'm hopefully not close to it yet, I'm wondering if there's any advice for us atheists.
I think it's much easier to deal with this difficult subject if you have a "faith" and believe in heaven - but I really don't.
I am so sad about the thought of leaving my daughter early (she's only a year old) and not being there for her as she grows up... this is so depressing!
Anyway, I'm trying to make the most of each and every day and not dwell on it too much but I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom and comfort about handling the concepts of pain and death from a fellow non-believer...
Non-believer here. Myself, I'm pretty cool with the concept of (my) death, mostly, as I know it's nothing that will be of any concern to me once it's actually happened. But of course there's the thought of how friends and family will be impacted by that.
People can get over the death of a loved one, and frequently do. Losses always hurt, you can't protect them from that, but I think grieving is easier if you have good memories attached to the person who died. In regards to my paternal grandmother (closest family member I've lost, so far), I love the memory of how happy she was to see me and my sister when we visited her for (her last) Christmas.
It seems to be easier to grieve if one has faith to take comfort in (including the notion of loved ones being in a better place and waiting for you). But even if you do not believe in an afterlife, people who have died do live on in the memories of friends, families and aquaintances, and I think this is the part where you can try to find your peace.
Share good times with the people you love, (cliché warning!) live every day as if it were your last and make the most of the time you do get to spend in this world (it's the only life you get, so use it wisely :wink: )
As to your daughter, I have to admit that I do not have children (and don't know if I'll ever have any, depends on my health, I guess) and so cannot fully share what you're going through. But I think (in case you should die early) your daughter would love to have some way of knowing who her mother was. A few ideas for this I could think of are videos (maybe to be dealt out at birthdays or for landmark dates such as graduation or getting her driver's license), letters (diaries?) or maybe even little time capsules. Scrapbooked family photos, things that you crafted (if you are into arts & crafts, that is). I'm sure you can think of more.
I hope this helps some, it's late and my brain is getting tired, so I'll stop writing for now.
As a retired registered nurse with more than 2 decades working at the bedsides of people as they end their lives, I have no fear of death itself. I have found it to be an awesome and often emotionally uplifting experience to be allowed to witness the end of a human journey on this earth. I have come away from these countless experiences a better person. As for myself, during the course of my illness I have, on more than one occasion, come dangerously close to death. The last time I went so far as to have the oh so talked about 'near death experience,' including being out of my body observing everything that was being done to me. Rest assured, I felt absolutely no pain, and felt overwhelmingly at peace. Scientists can argue all they want that the 'near death experience' is caused by chemical changes in the brain alone, but, take it from one who has been there, I know differently, and I am NOT afraid of death. I know that a loving God awaits me.
For me the absoloute lack of control over when you are going to go is freeing. It's odd, because I'm usually quite the control freak. I figure, you can spend your whole life being careful and still die in a carwreck tomorrow. So I just don't worry too much about it. What is the point in worrying so much about something you can't do anything about? Besides, I figure whatever happens after death, at least I'll leave behind this body that has given me so much trouble.
Perhaps it is because I have lost many people in my life, ever since I was young, or maybe it was going through some horrible depression where I was suicidal and really pondered death. Somehow I have come to terms with the fact that it can come any time, and there's not a darn thing I can do about it, so whyspend whatever time I have left worrying?
I just figure I'm ready to go anytime, and I hope it won't be today.
Hi Nursahart- I would love to know more about your near death experience- (I too believe in God and an afterlife)- did you see anything, anyone? Feel his presence? I always imagine, hope, that heaven will be a homecoming - where I will be re-united with the loved ones I have lost..
Juliette
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