Things I've learned / Thoughts / Worries

Things I've learned so far:

#1 It's okay to have dishes in the sink and a few more on the side
#2 It doesn't matter where I move or when I move or where I live. Take me anywhere.
#3 Ideal beauty is a lot easier to disregard when you shave your hair off.
#4 Take it one step at a time, don't push yourself, look at the progress you've made so far.

Things I need to learn:

#1 Even though I'm a cracked jar of clay, i have value on the inside.
#2 Ideal beauty is irrelevant.

I've been able to do more lately. I've used my nasal spray twice a day now so that might be helping with my headaches. I've ran a bit. Not much though. just little spurts when I'm taking those 20 minute walks with my dog. I've cleaned the bathroom some done dishes, made breakfast, gone out a few times. Theres less pain, but I'm still weak. i can feel it. I guess I can say I know my limits. Its these times where I doubt my illness. I think why i can't push myself, why I cant work, or clean, or other things. Tonight I got a little depressed.

I'm thinking about the future and I wonder if I will still have this thinking problem then. I feel so dumbed down. Its just too much for me to have a schedule, pay bills, remember more than one appointment in a week. I used to be smart, quick, I could handle like 5 tasks at once. My schedule was filled to the brim.

Another thing I worry about is if I get on SSI will my chances for adoption be less? I'm not a suitable mother because of this? I don't know. Especially if I win because of a mental illness instead of my physical illness.

I can't worry about stuff anymore, for example, if I think about a bill we have to pay ie: the possible bill from the ER from like 3 months ago, or our car payments that have to be dropped off at the bank every month, I stress out, it takes a big toll on me. And if i begin to write down a list of the bills I have and things I need to do and I can accomplish to realize all those things on paper, one would think the things to do would be less daunting and less stressful. I've exhausted much of my energy probably a third on a good day, 2/3 on a bad day, on the list alone. Will I spend my whole week on this list of things and spend no time on things to improve myself esteem, happiness? My life would be wasteful, and worthless, and unhappy. Some people don't understand this. But the Spoon Theory explains this quite well.

also i was able to read a couple short chapters in a novel. But now i have this new thing where I'll read like a page worth of words and I didn't take any of it in. I've never done that before.

Another thought I have is if I ever get better maybe working with the elderly and dying or chronically ill people maybe as a social worker or something. But then I think about elderly people and how as you grow older the more stuck in your ways you are. So maybe not...