i am officially depressed. after finding a small creature the size of a nickel on my body on two occasions today while on the couch i have successfully managed to flip out to the point of total break down after which i repeatedly pinched myself longing for the days when i was only depressed from family situations and cutting was the first step towards redemption into my own individual life where i became self reliant.
now all i want is my own robe, a personal butler, enough influence to get any tests i need and any doctor and method in order to get better, and unlimited Dine-Wise meals sent to my door daily. oh and a personal masseuse and unlimited amounts of detox foot baths (maybe they work). boy am i spoiled.
and the other option is to watch myself decompose while my brain and soul are still working enough to be awake for it all. if only i wasnt so spoiled, where i could watch tv, distract myself with my computer, have access to HeadOn to relieve a small amount of my pain, be comforted by a limited amount of food, baths, and blankets just enough to have enough hope for maybe the future where i will go back to the womb and everything will be alright again, if only this wasnt the case, then i can just get it over with. maybe thats why god made me born in los angeles, where its too hard to make it, let alone with any type of invisible illness with a political problem attached, but you get enough taste of things to keep me going in this hell hole. maybe this is what hell is like.
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1 year ago
5 comments:
That sums it up. Thankfully I don't believe in hell as a tangible place we go, but sadly -- the "experience" of hell, is much worse in my opinion. At any rate, to overcome it, I've learned on all support systems. If I didn't have one, I built one. I began with therapists, psychiatrists, family, friends -- if they didn't listen, I educated them. If they refused to be educated, I disowned them. Those who stayed I allowed myself to trust fully, though it was difficult.
I have faith, which is difficult for many to understand -- it's difficult for me too, but it takes work to convince yourself you can run another mile even when everything in your body is screaming "stop" -- so why should fighting for anything else be different? Psychologically, spiritually -- whatever you want to call it, to garner the internal strength to drive the engine of accomplishing a seemingly impossible goal, requires seemingly impossible, if not unreasonable methods. Faith requires one to believe that something already "is" before it's come to pass before the individual seeking it.
In this case, recovering from suffering, and being relieved. I've found that when I could trust no one else, had faith in nothing else -- my own anger, and discontent allowed me to have faith in myself. I'm designed to survive, nature has given me a lot of tools, and I'll exhaust all of them before I quit. Fuck Lyme, I fight it just because I can. Fuck co-infections, their no better. I say kick their ass seabass, fuck them up with your ninja skills yo!
Alright, so you get my point. I know it hurts like hell and your being affected in a lot of miserable ways -- I've been there, oh boy have I, all you need to do is survive it for now, get thru this in whatever way you know how. Some would disagree with me, and tell you "stop that, or dont' do that" -- but survival mechanisms are there for a reason, use whatever you've got.
When this difficult time passes, then you can learn better ways to cope, and learn how to accomplish goals in more efficient ways. For now, just kick this bastard in the crotch and keep moving!
eft has helped me a lot
its emotional freedom technique
it is very powerful and profound
it can even help people who are seriously ill, although it works easier and faster on people who are nearly healthy. we can me more trick to work with because we have a lot more going on. this also depends on the level of illness.
but it has helped me to deal with many negative things i have been through and bring me to a much better place on them.
ive even helped a bunch of other people and ive become a practitioner. im so confident in these techniques that i offer them free of charge if not successful.
you can get a free manual at emofree.com and start right away
there are videos on you tube and google video showing you how to tap
infact....
check this one out, its for depression, maybe try doing it a few times
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ndHWRXwYLo
its 5 minutes, not much. theres another one that is listed on the top of the other videos on that page that is longer.
it often takes several rounds to work something out. persistence is key.
i do half hour and full hour sessions, and i spend a bunch of time doing this on myself too. ive found ways to really knock it up to the next level and do it much faster and more powerfully.
i remember i was really down when i first read it all the way through and it helped me pull myself up out of it and feel better about everything. i had known about it for a little while but i got to the point where i really needed something and i dove into it. this was years ago though.
another thing though, i was always really down when i was doing antibiotics and not progressing all those years and putting my faith in doctors. i guess it wasnt my path and it felt awful. what im doing now, healing it myself naturally, feels the opposite way. not that this is for everyone, im just sharing my experience.
also
bless you
i hope you get feeling better soon
hang in there
i was just thinking
dr klinghardt the alternative lyme doctor does his own series of tapping and has given it his own name. he gets the patients doing it. most of the tapping procedures seem to get good results.
I hope you feel better soon, Courtney!
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