I want to be 21

I am very dissatisfied with my life. And rightfully so. Some would chalk it up to depression and at times I would as well. I want to live life fully. And yet I try to live life fully given my limitations. Do you ever feel like life went by and you did extraordinary things during that time but never fully lived it? Of course not. Not many people do. Or should I say they do because nearly half of all Americans have to suffer through invisible illnesses. I'm only 21 but this illness has caused me to age significantly to about 80 and back. I've lost friends for different reasons. Because I can no longer keep up any kind of social life and because I am no longer willing to be around people who judges me for my illness and the decisions I make around it. So when I want to be around people my age and actually experience what a college student should and when I'm ready for it it's not available to me. Other times, nearly 80 percent of the time I do not want to be around people my age. Few have had to deal with something like this. They cant understand why I am the way I am, even though I so desperately want to have that full of life feeling where I can go anywhere on my two feet. I've lost the last year of my life. I've lost it, even though others haven't. I can't find it and it wont return. That whole year of my life no matter how wonderful things may have been, its gone. I cannot take it back and use it to my maximum agile energetic ability full of passion and promise. Things that are "fun" in my life now, Being ABLE to notice the sunset, oh something i used to dream for every day and now all i can see is the pain in my eyes and all over my body, in my stomach and weakness, sleepy always, feel like my mind has went from IQ of 120 to 50 in just one short year. embarrassment from lack of mind. GONE its all gone. And I can't even look back on the year to remember it and remember the things that happened. Its like my life stopped for a year I was in a coma that was full of crushing pain while everyones lives continued on.

rifampin

my doc added rifampin to the mix today! i'm learning to trust him more.

i got a rash?

it started out as an itch and i rubbed it. a while later my friend noticed it and i looked at it more closely. i noticed it resembled the lyme rash but smaller and fainter. its next to this "scar". the story behind the scar is that i just noticed the scar like 3-4 years ago and never ever remember hurting myself there. i wonder if the rash is related to the scar in any way. anyways i put some pictures of it here to see what you think. its kinda hard to make it out so i put pictures to show where it looks like a bullseye...

Hands and Feet hurt

anyone else get this? and they get red almost as if my blood is pooling to them.

the last two weeks

i went to the doc and he told me to take double my meds. as a result i've had an overall increase in symptoms. i had some marital problems that did get resolved but i hurt my neck in the process. so i started going to the chiropractor at my school which is really cheap. hes done this combo therapy on my neck and slowly getting my neck and back to a place that he can start doing other stuff. its been helpful. but the last few days have been pretty bad. mentally i couldnt take the double meds i was getting confused and couldnt think straight and i still cant but it was so bad. and felt weak and ill and i still do. my hands and feet hurt alot. and this other thing i'm not sure is related whatsoever but my nipples hurt. i decided to drop any dance class and just take the 3 communication disorder classes. i wont be able to handle it at all. maybe i need to move on. its sad. the reason is i was enrolled in a 3 unit intermediate ballet class that i had last semester which i really like the teacher and she would most likely be lenient on me and stuff but i'm afraid i wont be able to catch up at all and it would be too much too fast. if only she had an easier class. but the other dance teacher seems kinda tough. any absence or late or non dress counts. and they are each 1 unit so i would have to take 3 and thats too much. with papers and stuff not worth it.

i really want a maid to come like once a month. i think it would help me a great deal. my husband and i are going to get a car for me. maybe a 98-99 jaguar xj6 or something similar. if we take good care of it in about 20 years it would be a classic. which is always good. we just have to be committed to the repairs. but yeah i need a car to go to school even if its a block away. i'm just too sick. also the doc approved me for a temporary handicapped parking thing, now if i can only find the paperwork he sent me...aye aye aye lyme brain!!!!

Brain Fog

Heth wrote: Every have those days were nothing makes sence or you forget things around you like who is that person or what am i saying?
Feel free to share your funny brain moments. We all understand here. :D


yesterday i was at the mall with my friend and we couldn't find my car. i was for sure my car was in this one area. we ended up going back in the mall to figure it out again. (since there is parking all around the mall). then my friend insisted that my car was to the left but i INSISTED that it was to the right thinking i remembered what the mall layout was. we walked my way and i ended up being TOTALLY wrong! its a good thing i was with a close friend instead of a judgmental one. lol.

actually when i have these moments i get REALLY embarrassed. like i go to a bible study and i hate the prayer time cuz i might have to pray or pray with someone. when i go to pray i forget EVERYTHING i was going to say and stumble over my words and say something like"thank you god......thank you...god....um...you know my heart...sorry i cant remember anything right now....amen."

oh and i'm in love with auto spell check on my computer. otherwise noone would understand me. lol

also. my mind feels like every 6 seconds theres like a hiccup or something where okay i'll give an example. i'm sad so i start to cry and then when the 6 second cycle is ending and the next one is starting i have to remember what was going on so i never baul or cry fully about how i'm feeling cuz i have to keep remembering what is going on. this happened last night.

or i just feel dumb for some reason or like handicapped. i upped my meds and this happened last time i upped them too. so my doc gave me the permission to lower it again if i cant handle it. so i did. and i'm feeling sane again but it still sucks.

i guess its not so funny. but sometimes i laugh at the things that i do. what else can you do right? i'd rather be happy than live in misery.