nauseous today

i feel nauseous today like i wanna gag and i dont wanna eat much. i wondered why but at least its not every other symptom i had! also yesterday i was tired all day and out of it because i woke up several times in the night due to my husband waking up several times. and i got a headache from looking on the computer too long yesterday.

doing the laundry is painful

doing the laundry is so painful! i usually dont do the laundry but i did it today and damn it hurts when i pull that cart of clothes!!!!! then i feel sick. not to mention the heat that makes it much worse! then i wonder if i can really go back to school like this. i'm so limited!

tired but i can take the heat

despite waking up at the usual time today 1200pm i'm pretty tired now at 8pm. weird. i havent been awake that long. and its great news to say that my thermostat is not at 78 degrees! thats amazing because i'm used to having it at least like 72 degrees all the time. my body couldnt take ANY heat. maybe my internal thermostat is regulating finally! lol.

pressure pain is back

the pressure pain is back where i need heat instead of ice and i need massages and desperately want to chop off whats left of my hair so i can apply the HeadOn stuff directly to my scalp. oh joy

update from last blog

so ive done alot of thinking lately. everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy right? well for one thing its only temporary because of my fatigue. and another thing every other day i change my mind about what i'm going to do with my life right now. my mind is wracking over these decisions. do i go to csun and start this new major head on? or go slowly. do i quit csun and go to a community college and take things like creative writing and maybe work? do i pursue more early education degrees? Do i take the things i like such as art and music at csun and possibly create a major? one of the main reasons i'm considering these things is because of control. i want so badly to make money so i can be in control and i need to release the control. i know if i do communication disorders i could be making a decent wage afterwards. or do i pursue just being a wife? learning how to create dishes and do scrapbooking and other things like that just staying home? which honestly is what ive been enjoying much more lately. i feel like maybe this disease has caused me to experience something that i actually love which i never thought i would. maybe my true hearts desire is to be a mother and a wife and not work. thats whats been going on lately at least. having a baby and the desire to be a mom has been popping up alot lately. taking care of my home and such. and my enjoyment comes more out of my imagination than anything else. for instance i just got back from my friends home. shes a mother and a wife and they live in a quaint house owned by her inlaws. she cant really do much with it cuz their renting and her inlaws use alot of the yard for storing equipment and cars (they are contractors) i like their house because well my friend she likes to do some gardening planting herbs and rose bushes, scrapbooking, etc all the things ive been desiring to do. and the thing i like most about their house is that if i lived there i would enjoy it merely because you can imagine so much. if you have a perfect house all brand new and decorated and you can see it with your eyes whats left to imagine or create? youll have to find something else. but there you can do things like plant a rose bush here or place a bench there etc. i dont know if any of this makes sense but it does to me. this diesease has really been a blessing in disguise. i have no hair and can do nothing more than imagine and stare at the stars or go on a short walk or feel the breeze on a warm day or lay in the grass or iron some clothes. its kinda therapeutic. and i dont want to leave it behind to return to the hussle bussle of the busy life that i used to have and everyone else has where they dont have time or care to walk in the park and think of nothing more than how beautiful the leaves in the trees look as they sway against the blue sky.

so back to school. i shared with mike that i just want to be a wife. nothing more. and that i'm torn about what to do. its not really practical yet thats what i desire. he said i could do that just be a wife. and then he suggested a few things where in the end i decided that i will continue my education of communication disorders so that one day when i'm 40 and the kids are in high school or what not i can do something or maybe there will be a day where mike will be out of work or he gets sick and i can care for him by working. so now i'm not going to school so i can finish so i can work so i can make money. and that makes me happy and content.

another thing that bothers me is i have defined myself by the things i enjoy. i never wanted to define myself as a wife and thats all or a mom and thats all. i would cringe at the thought because i want my life to have purpose. i wanted to be a server and help the poor and care for the needy etc. i liked to dance and wanted to be good at it. its hard not to think of those things. and why do i have to go take a class to become a writer or a dancer or an artist? and why do i need degrees in them? i know that came from nowhere but i think about those things only because i think well i enjoy them so i should take classes and then get a degree in them and that is the only way i can do them. i dont make any sense but it ties back to the imagination that ive been developing lately the creativity. it comes from within and i can create in my head and i can write and i can learn all those things without college and on my own even as a wife or a mom. i guess i feel i'm dependent on schooling to learn anything.

im not depressed i just need to redefine who i am and i guess i shouldnt even do that. define myself. just be. and enjoy. thats all there is to life. its weird but thats what this disease has taught me.

Steroids

just a question but has anyone ever felt better when on any steroid? i know its not good for you but last year when my symptoms were starting to debilitate my life one of my docs gave me prednisone for a week and i felt great! too bad it wont do much for me lol.

everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy

i find it so sad that i find more enjoyment in cuddling in my blanket, spending hours ironing clothes and nothing else, laying in the grass staring at a tree while listening to music and staring at the stars than anything i love. i love kids, i love dancing, i love art, etc. but when i do those things i dont have enjoyment anymore. its so sad. i dont know why this is happening to me! everything i knew i was i cant find anymore.

also i get distracted really easily now to the point where its overwhelming for me. like i have ADD or something but i was never like that.

i've been fatigued. i dont know really what to call it. my body is awake but my mind is asleep. in a dream state.

today i walked in the heat with my dog for about 1/4 mile and started feeling a little ill. i think that i'm still sick but i've managed it very well with my different supplements and strategies to fight inflamation and such. i used to push myself through it.

fuck it all!

i'm not awake

last night i had a migriane and went home early. i was kinda out of it because of the head pain migraine like thing. ugh! and i woke up with my head and sinuses hurting. i havent really woken up all day though. i ironed clothes and imported cd's to itunes. when i was sleeping i had alot of vivid dreams. sucky! and now i'm all sleepy and its torture! at least im not in alot of pain so thats good just i cant sleep but i'm defenitely not awake.

MRI

i'm not much better than last year honestly. my anxiety and stress levels are still high despite there being a bittersweet thing to it.

i called my insurance company today to see about the MRI i was supposed to get and found out that there is no preapproval needed. stupid bitch who swore to me that it was needed and it would take MONTHS to get! anyways i'm going to demand stuff now from that office.

i'm bruising alot now. i have about 8 bruises alone on my thighs and now a lump in my left arm that looks like a bruise. i'm having those hypoglycemic feelings again. i'm tired my face feels wiped out like usual and pouring water over it helps for about 30 minutes.

a few times last night my arms would fall asleep but not all the way. quite annoying!

inflamation switching words and stress (generally i'm feeling better)

i'm generally feeing better. i'm using this stuff called BioFreez that my chiropractor gave me samples of for inflamation and I'm taking the Primrose Oil 2x a day.

my anxiety is slightly returning but i think its due to excess energy. i'm switching my words around here and there like yesterday i said bathroom instead of something else completely different.

my stress tolerance level is 0 and my couzin really stressed me yesterday. i feel bad because i want to be there for people who need people but i can't like my ability is not there anymore.

also i decided despite being worried i'm on the wrong treatment plan I will stick with my antibiotics and my doctor in the meantime. when he takes me off the meds a few days will go by and i will relapse. then he will probably try another med when i will suggesst Levaniquin or something like that...

"bad days"

finally got my period! and my gyn apointment is on tuesday. i have inflamation and that flushed feeling in my face, migraines and fatigue. not horrible but i think these are my "bad days" (hopefully!)

food allergy? and no period!

so i'm pretty sure i might have a food allergy. at first i was thinking not but today i got that flushed feeling in my face after eating at the bbq. i ate alot of new things than usual. i felt like my face was swelling and stuff but it wasnt and i was tired. and also the only thing that helped was cool rag on my face and i slept for like 3 - 4 hours in the air conditioned apartment. so i'm going back to the allergist to take the test.

another thing, i still dont have my period. i've been depressed today (probably from being tired) moody and i gained weight so i thought maybe the pregnancy tests were too early so i took another one and it was negative. i mean i would rather i be pregnant than it be something else cuz that would mean i was healthy in that area. it pisses me off that the doctor who took all those tests wont call me back and the staff in his office are incompetent. i think i might just go in and request copies of the records and take the tests to another gynocologist.