doctors appointment

So tomorrow is my doctors appointment after i got my 2 MRI's today. I've been lethargic and depressed but realizing my depression is due to my lethargy. its a vicious cycle. I do not claim I don't have depression but I don't want to just give up on figuring out what my triggers are.

anyways i got to look at my mri's and i don't see any srynx's in my spine but I'm not a doctor or mri tech.

attack

So I had a really bad attack last night. its 4am and I'm still nauseated and my back still hurts but it's calmed down alot. I just have to be careful so I don't aggravate it. I wonder if its because i tried a basic ballet class on Saturday. I don't really know what brings it on. It felt like that night I went to the ER. so i wrapped myself in a heating blanket on the couch and distracted myself with television. I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up for hours.Any type of position felt like pressure shooting up my spine. I still feel it but I don't know. UGH!

I am in line for this new job as a preschool teacher. It's perfect. I would work in the mornings and have my own class of 3 year olds. Its a small class and I would do whatever I wanted. I just hope I can handle mornings because mornings are really hard for me. I have a hard time waking up and staying awake. I don't want to look lazy and I want to give them all my attention. At least I'm not an assistant because that would put more pressure on me to perform and I would have to do heavy lifting.

I am so stressed out too. I need to see my therapist but she's been booked. I might have to see someone else. Thats good too because even though the rest of the therapists in her office are Christians I am pretty sure she is not.

post-polio syndrome?

"Partly due to association with past epidemics there has long been hypotheses linking ME/CFS with polio. From the very first well documented epidemic in 1934 (labelled Atypical poliomyelitis) the question has arisen concerning the relationship between an infection and immnunization. Many ME patients prior to 1956 suffered a paralytic association along with typical ME/CFS symptoms, however post 1956 ME/CFS patients have been spared paralysis, and it was hypothesised that polio immunization altered the symptoms common in earlier epidemics. Despite polio having been first described in 1881 there was no mention of PPS or even named until about 1979, the same time ME/CFS catapulted into public attention, and the rise in numbers of PPS closely parallels the rise in ME/CFS. It has also been noted that patients who had previously fallen ill with Akureyri disease (a synonym for ME/CFS) in 1948, and the general population of that particular area, of Iceland failed to succumb to the polio epidemic that swept that country at the time. Which raised the questions; are many ME/CFS patients simply PPS patients who had contracted a subclinical case of polio years earlier or is ME/CFS in subgroups, a poliomyelitis variant? [5] [6] [7]"


Reasons I could have had a mild case of wild-poliovirus
#1) I did not have a polio booster shot prior to my trip to Ethiopia
#2) There was an outbreak coming from Nigeria around the time I was in Ethiopia
#3) I had diarrhea upon returning for 2 weeks.
#4) One other person on my trip came back with symptoms including mild paralysis on one side
#5) my main problems are back spasms, joint pain, dysautonomia like symptoms, hypoglycemic like symptoms, fatigue

unhappy and unsatisfied

but i feel unsatisfied and unhappy but mostly unsatisfied. i'm not sure why. i think it has alot to do with my health and how i used to be and how i am very limited now.

for example i cant even enjoy you know with my hubby because i get muscle exhaustion. i cant enjoy housework because now i work 4 hours a day and come home feeling unwell. i cant just get up and enjoy life anymore. all i can do is go online and go on the computer and go out sometimes and go to work now (my first week). every action i take and every goal i set is limited by my health.

I used to dance. before i got really sick i realized what i love the most is dancing. now i cant do it :-(

what to do?

my first step i think is going to join the ymca. they have arthritis swim and chair classes so we'll see.

health update

So I want to update everyone on my health. Its been a tough ride!

I'm feeling alot better now. My lab work shows no signs of any infection.

I'm starting a part time job next week at an afterschool program. I don't know yet which school it will be.

I'm starting school again for summer. I'm changing my major to psychology although I absolutely loved Communication Disorders! But that major was like taking a midterm every week in every class. There was no break. And it's too hard on my body. Psychology is a big major at CSUN so I can choose which teachers and what times I want classes. I will be graduating hopefully next spring!

I started acupuncture which has been helping my pain and sleep.

I hope to get health insurance soon so that I can see a few more doctors. My back is really messed up, I noticed I feel much better after eating salty foods, and i still get those pressure headaches and migraines.

I have chronic fatigue syndrome now because of the infection but I'm able to manage it fine, though I can't do any aerobic exercise.

I've had to work through all my feelings in regards to becomming sick which I hope to continue doing, because it changes your life dramatically.

And I hope that people will call me and hang out with me soon, cuz i miss everyone!

i hate writing these posts as much as i hate taking my medicine

i hate writing these posts as much as i hate taking my medicine. but both are necessary. ive been feeling better the last few days and i'm thinking it has to do with the following or just one of the following:
1) ive been on my new antibiotic for more than a week
2) my cousin and her toddler daughter stayed at our home for 4 days
3) i had my period and now its over
4) i'm happy with school and its filling my mental needs (i dont really know how to put that)

things that have been better:
1) i've been sleeping through the night going to bed earlier and waking up earlier
2) i've been handling this very hot weather rather well
3) i've been eating a little better
4) i was able to walk across the street and back today to get food

things that have been bothering me thought:
1) horrible head pain today (probably from the heat)
2) i was really weak during my period and before
3) anxiety at night
4) i get bouts of narcolepsy randomly

update from last blog

so ive done alot of thinking lately. everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy right? well for one thing its only temporary because of my fatigue. and another thing every other day i change my mind about what i'm going to do with my life right now. my mind is wracking over these decisions. do i go to csun and start this new major head on? or go slowly. do i quit csun and go to a community college and take things like creative writing and maybe work? do i pursue more early education degrees? Do i take the things i like such as art and music at csun and possibly create a major? one of the main reasons i'm considering these things is because of control. i want so badly to make money so i can be in control and i need to release the control. i know if i do communication disorders i could be making a decent wage afterwards. or do i pursue just being a wife? learning how to create dishes and do scrapbooking and other things like that just staying home? which honestly is what ive been enjoying much more lately. i feel like maybe this disease has caused me to experience something that i actually love which i never thought i would. maybe my true hearts desire is to be a mother and a wife and not work. thats whats been going on lately at least. having a baby and the desire to be a mom has been popping up alot lately. taking care of my home and such. and my enjoyment comes more out of my imagination than anything else. for instance i just got back from my friends home. shes a mother and a wife and they live in a quaint house owned by her inlaws. she cant really do much with it cuz their renting and her inlaws use alot of the yard for storing equipment and cars (they are contractors) i like their house because well my friend she likes to do some gardening planting herbs and rose bushes, scrapbooking, etc all the things ive been desiring to do. and the thing i like most about their house is that if i lived there i would enjoy it merely because you can imagine so much. if you have a perfect house all brand new and decorated and you can see it with your eyes whats left to imagine or create? youll have to find something else. but there you can do things like plant a rose bush here or place a bench there etc. i dont know if any of this makes sense but it does to me. this diesease has really been a blessing in disguise. i have no hair and can do nothing more than imagine and stare at the stars or go on a short walk or feel the breeze on a warm day or lay in the grass or iron some clothes. its kinda therapeutic. and i dont want to leave it behind to return to the hussle bussle of the busy life that i used to have and everyone else has where they dont have time or care to walk in the park and think of nothing more than how beautiful the leaves in the trees look as they sway against the blue sky.

so back to school. i shared with mike that i just want to be a wife. nothing more. and that i'm torn about what to do. its not really practical yet thats what i desire. he said i could do that just be a wife. and then he suggested a few things where in the end i decided that i will continue my education of communication disorders so that one day when i'm 40 and the kids are in high school or what not i can do something or maybe there will be a day where mike will be out of work or he gets sick and i can care for him by working. so now i'm not going to school so i can finish so i can work so i can make money. and that makes me happy and content.

another thing that bothers me is i have defined myself by the things i enjoy. i never wanted to define myself as a wife and thats all or a mom and thats all. i would cringe at the thought because i want my life to have purpose. i wanted to be a server and help the poor and care for the needy etc. i liked to dance and wanted to be good at it. its hard not to think of those things. and why do i have to go take a class to become a writer or a dancer or an artist? and why do i need degrees in them? i know that came from nowhere but i think about those things only because i think well i enjoy them so i should take classes and then get a degree in them and that is the only way i can do them. i dont make any sense but it ties back to the imagination that ive been developing lately the creativity. it comes from within and i can create in my head and i can write and i can learn all those things without college and on my own even as a wife or a mom. i guess i feel i'm dependent on schooling to learn anything.

im not depressed i just need to redefine who i am and i guess i shouldnt even do that. define myself. just be. and enjoy. thats all there is to life. its weird but thats what this disease has taught me.

everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy

i find it so sad that i find more enjoyment in cuddling in my blanket, spending hours ironing clothes and nothing else, laying in the grass staring at a tree while listening to music and staring at the stars than anything i love. i love kids, i love dancing, i love art, etc. but when i do those things i dont have enjoyment anymore. its so sad. i dont know why this is happening to me! everything i knew i was i cant find anymore.

also i get distracted really easily now to the point where its overwhelming for me. like i have ADD or something but i was never like that.

i've been fatigued. i dont know really what to call it. my body is awake but my mind is asleep. in a dream state.

today i walked in the heat with my dog for about 1/4 mile and started feeling a little ill. i think that i'm still sick but i've managed it very well with my different supplements and strategies to fight inflamation and such. i used to push myself through it.

fuck it all!

MRI

i'm not much better than last year honestly. my anxiety and stress levels are still high despite there being a bittersweet thing to it.

i called my insurance company today to see about the MRI i was supposed to get and found out that there is no preapproval needed. stupid bitch who swore to me that it was needed and it would take MONTHS to get! anyways i'm going to demand stuff now from that office.

i'm bruising alot now. i have about 8 bruises alone on my thighs and now a lump in my left arm that looks like a bruise. i'm having those hypoglycemic feelings again. i'm tired my face feels wiped out like usual and pouring water over it helps for about 30 minutes.

a few times last night my arms would fall asleep but not all the way. quite annoying!

"bad days"

finally got my period! and my gyn apointment is on tuesday. i have inflamation and that flushed feeling in my face, migraines and fatigue. not horrible but i think these are my "bad days" (hopefully!)

food allergy? and no period!

so i'm pretty sure i might have a food allergy. at first i was thinking not but today i got that flushed feeling in my face after eating at the bbq. i ate alot of new things than usual. i felt like my face was swelling and stuff but it wasnt and i was tired. and also the only thing that helped was cool rag on my face and i slept for like 3 - 4 hours in the air conditioned apartment. so i'm going back to the allergist to take the test.

another thing, i still dont have my period. i've been depressed today (probably from being tired) moody and i gained weight so i thought maybe the pregnancy tests were too early so i took another one and it was negative. i mean i would rather i be pregnant than it be something else cuz that would mean i was healthy in that area. it pisses me off that the doctor who took all those tests wont call me back and the staff in his office are incompetent. i think i might just go in and request copies of the records and take the tests to another gynocologist.

wow today was great. i slept in though which is good. i was able to walk ALOT today and even do a few turns (cuz i like to dance in random places like the bus stop :-)

i'm tired tonight and i think i'm gonna be able to sleep well. i feel like i did before when i worked and i was having a hard time because i was working and going to school and not feeling well at the same time. so thats good. its much improvement.

i think that god might be healing me.

i get this feeling when i take a shower like the blood is pooling in my feet and hands and they hurt alot and feel like i need to shake them and massage them and lift them up instead of standing on them (or in my hands case keeping them down).

another thing i've been still spotting those red dots in random places. my right shoulder has a bigger one (still very small but i was able to take a picture of it before my camera died on me).

along with the feet pain i feel i see like spider veins all in my feet and calves. at first it was just in my right foot and now its in my left foot. so i'm going to bring that up to the doc next friday when i go.

i spent a long time in Michaels' today looking for scrapbooking stuff for my wedding album. i found some cool paper. i got some good ideas. i'm going to take it like one page at a time and i have an idea of what i'm gonna do with the whole thing as well.

i havent done any knitting lately though. but i will in time. i think that scrapbooking is a little funner and slightly more challenging and if i have the energy for it i like to do that instead.

TAKE THE SUMMER OFF!!! is my motto

AT LEAST i'm happy

I cant sleep tonight because of all the things going through my head

anticipation of scrapbooking
maybing talking with my mom again
wanting to dance
wanting to work
wanting to be something more
the apointment tomorrow about my dog with the housing office...eek
the fact that i will probably miss the apointment because if i wake up still tired the rest of the day is shot for me.

i have to tell myself to at least take the summer OFF!!!!!!!!! doing NOTHING!!! i can't take that chance of pushing myself and then i just end up in the roller coaster again. But i dream of what i could do with the money.....basically all related to my health and enjoyment (cuz if i can enjoy somethings then that will improve my health).

Today i made an apointment with the allergist (again) but this time i asked for more than just the regular allergy test. I asked if they tested for food allergies and molds and stuff and that I wanted those as well. So i'm defintely having more confidence.

My tack board is now filled. I dont know if i can fill it any more than it is. The thing is I will notice things much better if they are up there rather than in a pile somewhere. it has actually done me good so far! I look at it a couple times a day just cuz i do that sort of thing. I have a few encouraging things up there as well. so it works out.

okay i was fatigued/ well really more sleepy really today. i have like sharp stabbing shooting pains through my head and neck but its nothing compared what its like usually. I was able to get a few things done, clean up a bunch and relax a bunch. I felt like i made some goals and plans for myself and accomplished things today.

so now i have a few hobbies possibly. so its good.