health update

So I want to update everyone on my health. Its been a tough ride!

I'm feeling alot better now. My lab work shows no signs of any infection.

I'm starting a part time job next week at an afterschool program. I don't know yet which school it will be.

I'm starting school again for summer. I'm changing my major to psychology although I absolutely loved Communication Disorders! But that major was like taking a midterm every week in every class. There was no break. And it's too hard on my body. Psychology is a big major at CSUN so I can choose which teachers and what times I want classes. I will be graduating hopefully next spring!

I started acupuncture which has been helping my pain and sleep.

I hope to get health insurance soon so that I can see a few more doctors. My back is really messed up, I noticed I feel much better after eating salty foods, and i still get those pressure headaches and migraines.

I have chronic fatigue syndrome now because of the infection but I'm able to manage it fine, though I can't do any aerobic exercise.

I've had to work through all my feelings in regards to becomming sick which I hope to continue doing, because it changes your life dramatically.

And I hope that people will call me and hang out with me soon, cuz i miss everyone!

I want to be 21

I am very dissatisfied with my life. And rightfully so. Some would chalk it up to depression and at times I would as well. I want to live life fully. And yet I try to live life fully given my limitations. Do you ever feel like life went by and you did extraordinary things during that time but never fully lived it? Of course not. Not many people do. Or should I say they do because nearly half of all Americans have to suffer through invisible illnesses. I'm only 21 but this illness has caused me to age significantly to about 80 and back. I've lost friends for different reasons. Because I can no longer keep up any kind of social life and because I am no longer willing to be around people who judges me for my illness and the decisions I make around it. So when I want to be around people my age and actually experience what a college student should and when I'm ready for it it's not available to me. Other times, nearly 80 percent of the time I do not want to be around people my age. Few have had to deal with something like this. They cant understand why I am the way I am, even though I so desperately want to have that full of life feeling where I can go anywhere on my two feet. I've lost the last year of my life. I've lost it, even though others haven't. I can't find it and it wont return. That whole year of my life no matter how wonderful things may have been, its gone. I cannot take it back and use it to my maximum agile energetic ability full of passion and promise. Things that are "fun" in my life now, Being ABLE to notice the sunset, oh something i used to dream for every day and now all i can see is the pain in my eyes and all over my body, in my stomach and weakness, sleepy always, feel like my mind has went from IQ of 120 to 50 in just one short year. embarrassment from lack of mind. GONE its all gone. And I can't even look back on the year to remember it and remember the things that happened. Its like my life stopped for a year I was in a coma that was full of crushing pain while everyones lives continued on.

Brain Fog

Heth wrote: Every have those days were nothing makes sence or you forget things around you like who is that person or what am i saying?
Feel free to share your funny brain moments. We all understand here. :D


yesterday i was at the mall with my friend and we couldn't find my car. i was for sure my car was in this one area. we ended up going back in the mall to figure it out again. (since there is parking all around the mall). then my friend insisted that my car was to the left but i INSISTED that it was to the right thinking i remembered what the mall layout was. we walked my way and i ended up being TOTALLY wrong! its a good thing i was with a close friend instead of a judgmental one. lol.

actually when i have these moments i get REALLY embarrassed. like i go to a bible study and i hate the prayer time cuz i might have to pray or pray with someone. when i go to pray i forget EVERYTHING i was going to say and stumble over my words and say something like"thank you god......thank you...god....um...you know my heart...sorry i cant remember anything right now....amen."

oh and i'm in love with auto spell check on my computer. otherwise noone would understand me. lol

also. my mind feels like every 6 seconds theres like a hiccup or something where okay i'll give an example. i'm sad so i start to cry and then when the 6 second cycle is ending and the next one is starting i have to remember what was going on so i never baul or cry fully about how i'm feeling cuz i have to keep remembering what is going on. this happened last night.

or i just feel dumb for some reason or like handicapped. i upped my meds and this happened last time i upped them too. so my doc gave me the permission to lower it again if i cant handle it. so i did. and i'm feeling sane again but it still sucks.

i guess its not so funny. but sometimes i laugh at the things that i do. what else can you do right? i'd rather be happy than live in misery.