Sunshine

I remember a year and a half ago running into an old friend from high school and on the verge of tears because I was about to lose my job. The start of my illness in full swing trying to put behind me the horror I went through the summer before. Her life was going great, hot boyfriend, head of her sorority Delta Delta Delta. I'm worried I can't make it to my dance class because of my bout of narcolepsy coming on me making me more insecure. Embarrassed because I look flaky. vulnerable and lazy. I'm not that person although my past before college dictated that I was. My life was doomed to disappoint. And it didn't stop there. It took another year before the light would begin to show.

A year wasted? I think not. It's not something i wanted. It certainly felt like it was wasted. But God had His plan. It was a boost into the healing that I wanted, that I asked for. I've learned the art of grieving about the idea of hope. And though my life looks like I'm choosing these paths, the path was chosen for me. I am limited I am working and going to school like I was before. Maybe people will think I"m picking up where I left off, and in a way that's what I want.

But it's not like that. As I'm writing this I know I will go home so I can use a TENS unit on my tense muscles that go spastic whenever they want and I have my instant ice packs in my purse along with an almost empty bottle of Aleve, Migralief tablets and my Dramamine for nausea. My sunglasses are always available. The major and classes I chose, the work I choose has to be flexible. If I have a bad day and need to stay home or if I need to zone out or rest. I have to learn to relax my muscles as much as possible and even though I want good posture I need to forget about that for the sake of neck pain relief.

Whats gotten me through has been http://chronicillnesssupport.typepad.com/ and this verse:
PSALM 40
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Also the knowledge that all things are for the good of all those that believe. The order of events in my life contribute to the order of events in another life. If I know that theres a possibility I'm in pain and distress because another person will benefit greatly it is worth while. It's a way to endure.

But one thing that has been constant since the start of my back pain 2 years ago is I have prayed and hoped it would not interfere or cause my dancing to go away. I don't know why but I still have that passion and who knows if it will ever be fulfilled in any way. I hope that my blogs are a source of encouragement to anyone out there.

PS I do like my classes and I do like my job and I am enjoying my husband more and more each day.

some pain relief

finally got some pain relief by sitting on a chair backwards literally on my crotch :-(

i dont know how i'm going to get by like this. i start work tomorrow and i'm starting school in a month.

i might have to invest in one of these kneeling chairs with a cushion/pillow.

health update

So I want to update everyone on my health. Its been a tough ride!

I'm feeling alot better now. My lab work shows no signs of any infection.

I'm starting a part time job next week at an afterschool program. I don't know yet which school it will be.

I'm starting school again for summer. I'm changing my major to psychology although I absolutely loved Communication Disorders! But that major was like taking a midterm every week in every class. There was no break. And it's too hard on my body. Psychology is a big major at CSUN so I can choose which teachers and what times I want classes. I will be graduating hopefully next spring!

I started acupuncture which has been helping my pain and sleep.

I hope to get health insurance soon so that I can see a few more doctors. My back is really messed up, I noticed I feel much better after eating salty foods, and i still get those pressure headaches and migraines.

I have chronic fatigue syndrome now because of the infection but I'm able to manage it fine, though I can't do any aerobic exercise.

I've had to work through all my feelings in regards to becomming sick which I hope to continue doing, because it changes your life dramatically.

And I hope that people will call me and hang out with me soon, cuz i miss everyone!

i hate writing these posts as much as i hate taking my medicine

i hate writing these posts as much as i hate taking my medicine. but both are necessary. ive been feeling better the last few days and i'm thinking it has to do with the following or just one of the following:
1) ive been on my new antibiotic for more than a week
2) my cousin and her toddler daughter stayed at our home for 4 days
3) i had my period and now its over
4) i'm happy with school and its filling my mental needs (i dont really know how to put that)

things that have been better:
1) i've been sleeping through the night going to bed earlier and waking up earlier
2) i've been handling this very hot weather rather well
3) i've been eating a little better
4) i was able to walk across the street and back today to get food

things that have been bothering me thought:
1) horrible head pain today (probably from the heat)
2) i was really weak during my period and before
3) anxiety at night
4) i get bouts of narcolepsy randomly

the last two weeks

i went to the doc and he told me to take double my meds. as a result i've had an overall increase in symptoms. i had some marital problems that did get resolved but i hurt my neck in the process. so i started going to the chiropractor at my school which is really cheap. hes done this combo therapy on my neck and slowly getting my neck and back to a place that he can start doing other stuff. its been helpful. but the last few days have been pretty bad. mentally i couldnt take the double meds i was getting confused and couldnt think straight and i still cant but it was so bad. and felt weak and ill and i still do. my hands and feet hurt alot. and this other thing i'm not sure is related whatsoever but my nipples hurt. i decided to drop any dance class and just take the 3 communication disorder classes. i wont be able to handle it at all. maybe i need to move on. its sad. the reason is i was enrolled in a 3 unit intermediate ballet class that i had last semester which i really like the teacher and she would most likely be lenient on me and stuff but i'm afraid i wont be able to catch up at all and it would be too much too fast. if only she had an easier class. but the other dance teacher seems kinda tough. any absence or late or non dress counts. and they are each 1 unit so i would have to take 3 and thats too much. with papers and stuff not worth it.

i really want a maid to come like once a month. i think it would help me a great deal. my husband and i are going to get a car for me. maybe a 98-99 jaguar xj6 or something similar. if we take good care of it in about 20 years it would be a classic. which is always good. we just have to be committed to the repairs. but yeah i need a car to go to school even if its a block away. i'm just too sick. also the doc approved me for a temporary handicapped parking thing, now if i can only find the paperwork he sent me...aye aye aye lyme brain!!!!

update from last blog

so ive done alot of thinking lately. everything i knew i loved i dont enjoy right? well for one thing its only temporary because of my fatigue. and another thing every other day i change my mind about what i'm going to do with my life right now. my mind is wracking over these decisions. do i go to csun and start this new major head on? or go slowly. do i quit csun and go to a community college and take things like creative writing and maybe work? do i pursue more early education degrees? Do i take the things i like such as art and music at csun and possibly create a major? one of the main reasons i'm considering these things is because of control. i want so badly to make money so i can be in control and i need to release the control. i know if i do communication disorders i could be making a decent wage afterwards. or do i pursue just being a wife? learning how to create dishes and do scrapbooking and other things like that just staying home? which honestly is what ive been enjoying much more lately. i feel like maybe this disease has caused me to experience something that i actually love which i never thought i would. maybe my true hearts desire is to be a mother and a wife and not work. thats whats been going on lately at least. having a baby and the desire to be a mom has been popping up alot lately. taking care of my home and such. and my enjoyment comes more out of my imagination than anything else. for instance i just got back from my friends home. shes a mother and a wife and they live in a quaint house owned by her inlaws. she cant really do much with it cuz their renting and her inlaws use alot of the yard for storing equipment and cars (they are contractors) i like their house because well my friend she likes to do some gardening planting herbs and rose bushes, scrapbooking, etc all the things ive been desiring to do. and the thing i like most about their house is that if i lived there i would enjoy it merely because you can imagine so much. if you have a perfect house all brand new and decorated and you can see it with your eyes whats left to imagine or create? youll have to find something else. but there you can do things like plant a rose bush here or place a bench there etc. i dont know if any of this makes sense but it does to me. this diesease has really been a blessing in disguise. i have no hair and can do nothing more than imagine and stare at the stars or go on a short walk or feel the breeze on a warm day or lay in the grass or iron some clothes. its kinda therapeutic. and i dont want to leave it behind to return to the hussle bussle of the busy life that i used to have and everyone else has where they dont have time or care to walk in the park and think of nothing more than how beautiful the leaves in the trees look as they sway against the blue sky.

so back to school. i shared with mike that i just want to be a wife. nothing more. and that i'm torn about what to do. its not really practical yet thats what i desire. he said i could do that just be a wife. and then he suggested a few things where in the end i decided that i will continue my education of communication disorders so that one day when i'm 40 and the kids are in high school or what not i can do something or maybe there will be a day where mike will be out of work or he gets sick and i can care for him by working. so now i'm not going to school so i can finish so i can work so i can make money. and that makes me happy and content.

another thing that bothers me is i have defined myself by the things i enjoy. i never wanted to define myself as a wife and thats all or a mom and thats all. i would cringe at the thought because i want my life to have purpose. i wanted to be a server and help the poor and care for the needy etc. i liked to dance and wanted to be good at it. its hard not to think of those things. and why do i have to go take a class to become a writer or a dancer or an artist? and why do i need degrees in them? i know that came from nowhere but i think about those things only because i think well i enjoy them so i should take classes and then get a degree in them and that is the only way i can do them. i dont make any sense but it ties back to the imagination that ive been developing lately the creativity. it comes from within and i can create in my head and i can write and i can learn all those things without college and on my own even as a wife or a mom. i guess i feel i'm dependent on schooling to learn anything.

im not depressed i just need to redefine who i am and i guess i shouldnt even do that. define myself. just be. and enjoy. thats all there is to life. its weird but thats what this disease has taught me.

feeling content

I've had two good days. I'm happy at peace and I'm trying hard not to push myself or get down on myself. I'm feeling content and i have little pain and weakness. i mean I'm not feeling like today i could work or anything without killing myself but I'm feeling like I'm getting there. I'm hoping its not a fluke.

I'm trying to eat better. i really pushed myself on Sunday though when i made one too many commitments (meaning 2 commitments haha) and told myself that i should follow through with them anyways because that way I'll learn to not do that again. i got a migraine that night and felt dehydrated so i drank a glass of water.

i find myself trying to find ways to entertain myself. I'm usually a doer and now i cant do stuff only because of my "SUMMER OFF" thing. i know i need purpose. this summer will definitely stretch me in that way because I need to stick to doing nothing really except relax and have a vacation and get better.

i need to praise God for my health lately. i prayed for him to make me better and told him i would praise him for it every day if he did but I'm still hesitant. that comes with the territory (meaning ME lol).

I'm thinking of doing Communication Disorders program at school so I'm going to a meeting on thursday about it. My husband and I are getting along better now, my sister is still a little upset at me but my mom is not at all (she is always extreme like that though.)

PS: I havent had my period for almost 2 months now. I should know the results of my labs this week (if i call) or at least by my follow up in a couple weeks.