crappy night

I had a really crappy night. the fireworks had a lot of debris and it made it hard for me to breathe so i was coughing and i had a bad headache so i got a double shot iced coffee which helped alot. But what was crappy was after the show and walking to the car i started collapsing and getting dizzy and woozy in the head. It sucked alot. Now i'm feeling better. rested watched some tv and put ice on my head but i'm still nautious and i still feel lots of pressure up my spine and into my head. ugh! i missed my apt on thursday so i had to reschedule to next thursdayl.

attack

So I had a really bad attack last night. its 4am and I'm still nauseated and my back still hurts but it's calmed down alot. I just have to be careful so I don't aggravate it. I wonder if its because i tried a basic ballet class on Saturday. I don't really know what brings it on. It felt like that night I went to the ER. so i wrapped myself in a heating blanket on the couch and distracted myself with television. I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up for hours.Any type of position felt like pressure shooting up my spine. I still feel it but I don't know. UGH!

I am in line for this new job as a preschool teacher. It's perfect. I would work in the mornings and have my own class of 3 year olds. Its a small class and I would do whatever I wanted. I just hope I can handle mornings because mornings are really hard for me. I have a hard time waking up and staying awake. I don't want to look lazy and I want to give them all my attention. At least I'm not an assistant because that would put more pressure on me to perform and I would have to do heavy lifting.

I am so stressed out too. I need to see my therapist but she's been booked. I might have to see someone else. Thats good too because even though the rest of the therapists in her office are Christians I am pretty sure she is not.

Sunshine

I remember a year and a half ago running into an old friend from high school and on the verge of tears because I was about to lose my job. The start of my illness in full swing trying to put behind me the horror I went through the summer before. Her life was going great, hot boyfriend, head of her sorority Delta Delta Delta. I'm worried I can't make it to my dance class because of my bout of narcolepsy coming on me making me more insecure. Embarrassed because I look flaky. vulnerable and lazy. I'm not that person although my past before college dictated that I was. My life was doomed to disappoint. And it didn't stop there. It took another year before the light would begin to show.

A year wasted? I think not. It's not something i wanted. It certainly felt like it was wasted. But God had His plan. It was a boost into the healing that I wanted, that I asked for. I've learned the art of grieving about the idea of hope. And though my life looks like I'm choosing these paths, the path was chosen for me. I am limited I am working and going to school like I was before. Maybe people will think I"m picking up where I left off, and in a way that's what I want.

But it's not like that. As I'm writing this I know I will go home so I can use a TENS unit on my tense muscles that go spastic whenever they want and I have my instant ice packs in my purse along with an almost empty bottle of Aleve, Migralief tablets and my Dramamine for nausea. My sunglasses are always available. The major and classes I chose, the work I choose has to be flexible. If I have a bad day and need to stay home or if I need to zone out or rest. I have to learn to relax my muscles as much as possible and even though I want good posture I need to forget about that for the sake of neck pain relief.

Whats gotten me through has been http://chronicillnesssupport.typepad.com/ and this verse:
PSALM 40
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Also the knowledge that all things are for the good of all those that believe. The order of events in my life contribute to the order of events in another life. If I know that theres a possibility I'm in pain and distress because another person will benefit greatly it is worth while. It's a way to endure.

But one thing that has been constant since the start of my back pain 2 years ago is I have prayed and hoped it would not interfere or cause my dancing to go away. I don't know why but I still have that passion and who knows if it will ever be fulfilled in any way. I hope that my blogs are a source of encouragement to anyone out there.

PS I do like my classes and I do like my job and I am enjoying my husband more and more each day.