i've just been watching and posting some but i wanted to share this time. I first went in to my therapist to talk about all the issues pertaining to having and dealing with a life threatening illness. and then i realized i was having more and more phobias. i thought hey! i'm better practically shouldnt i be happy? so the cycle began. or shall i say i realized my cycle. so last week i had a breakthrough and realized where my phobias were stemming from kinda. i was happy. then told my therapist and opend the can of worms and all this week i've been a wreck! in and out of reality, dazed, and so upset cuz i cant even go to school or be productive in any real way. i was beating myself up because i thought i was just anxiety prone and it was my fault right?
well tonight i went to mcdonalds to get a burger. it brings good memories of when i worked there and ate a certain meal all the time. this time it brought all the bad memories with it. and i realized i'm not anxiety prone from birth. I've been through alot of trauma and i've just been on hypervigilant mode since! now i can relax and i dont like it cuz all this is comming out! all the phobias werent just that, they were stemming from me stuffing it all down ready for my next move to survive.
at least i know now that i'm not crazy. but it sucks cuz thats one of my traumatic things from high school my step dad saying there was a demon in me and my mom saying i was a tough kid with problems since i was born. i'm still paranoid about that. though i know the truth cuz people tell me.
anyways whats the next step? acknowledging i had traumatic things happen to me? i feel selfish, like suck it up courtney, you need to survive. thats what goes through my head. yet i'm not surviving like this.
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7 months ago
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